Brad Childress lobying for Cowboys job

Satire/11.12.10

By Matt Driffill

 

With half of his locker room seemingly uniting against him, Vikings head coach Brad Childress has made it public that he’s ready to move on from Minnesota.

"Chilly thinks his time in Minnesota is up. Chilly likes to speak in third person now, and Chilly likes the nickname 'Chilly'"

“I’m not fool. I know when a situation is working and when a situation isn’t working,” Childress said. “This situation isn’t working.”

Childress has been the head coach for the Vikings since 2006 and has several playoff appearances with them on his resume. But with as talented as a roster as the Vikings has had since Childress has been calling the shots, they’ve failed to advance to a a Super Bowl. And after a disappointing 2-5 start to 2010, it appears that he’s already looking for other job opportunities.

“You don’t need to be at the end of your contract to be considered a ‘lame-duck’ coach,” Childress joked. “My body of work here in Minnesota is no-good. It’s time for me to roll up my sleeves and look elsewhere.”

Several Vikings players have stepped forward, anonymously, to acknowledge how much they don’t care for their head coach.

“He’s a f*ckin’ dick,” said a Vikings player. “He really doesn’t do shit but watch CSI in his office all day.”

“I just wish he’d run the ball more,” said another Vikings player. “I mean I’m… I mean… We have one of the best running backs in football and all we do is throw the ball. Let me… I mean…. our running back … get some touches in crunch time.”

One player wasn’t afraid to give up his name when talking negatively about his coach. He said it’s because, “He doesn’t giev a f*ck about the Vikings.”

“He’s just not a good football coach,” quarterback Brett Favre said. “He’s good at some things …. Like CSI trivia…. and….. Uhhh….. he has a great Pee-Wee Herman impersonation. But he’s not very good at handling a football team.

Even Randy Moss — who was recently traded to the Vikings and then released shortly thereafter — had bad things to say about Childress.

“The guy is inept,” Moss said, donning his new Titans jersey. “You give that guy one of the most talented rosters in the league and what does he do? He goes and f*cks it up. He motivates players to want to struggle in hopes that he gets fired. F*ckin’ guy is ridiculous mang.”

"I don't wanna say anything bad now, but that guy... he was a ..."

Childress says he has no hard feelings about the future departure with the Vikings and thinks the split will be best for him, his family, the Vikings organization and the state of Minnesota as a whole.

“Let’s be realistic, I’m not the type of coach that handles Super Bowl expectations very well,” Childress said. “I don’t handle any kind of expectations well. Ask my wife about or sex life, she’ll tell you. I live to disappoint.

“That’s why I’m excited about applying for the Cowboys job,” he added. “They continually have high expectations, but since they always disappoint, I already know what’s expected. Yup, Dallas is the city for me.”