Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

**Wrote this back in ’06 for my first blog.  So unrefined.  So raw. But alas, here it is resurfaced and appearing in my video games section.  Everything seems to come full circle.

7/15/06

Matt Driffill

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas was released in the fall of 2004. Being the latest installment in a series of great games, the people at Rockstar North knew they couldn’t have a game that was worse than is predecessor. When this game was released, controversy spiraled around it from the start. Excessive cursing, gang wars, burglary missions, bars, strip joints, sexual minigames and just about anything else that is wrong with human society can not only be found in the game, but promoted. Personally I think this is the best video game ever created for a number of reasons. 

One reason is because of the actual size of the game, not the disc, but the map on which you play the game. Anyone who’s ever played it has to agree the the state of San Andreas is much larger than any other fictional location ever created. Three individual cities, all capable of having a video game devoted individually to them. Amongt San Fierro, Los Santos, and Las Venturas, there is a desert, plenty of bodies of water, and a rural area that even has a mountain.

Another reason this game is so fantastic is because of the realism. You have to eat so you don’t lose energy, you have to work out and run on a treadmill in order to be able to jump higher and sprint for longer, if you have a girlfriend (there are 6 total) you have to go on frequent dates and give them presents so they won’t break up with you. So many aspects of this game are man-tastic. Many will argue that it isn’t realistic to be able to hold several guns at a time, or blow through a red light without a cop tailing you, and an assortment of things like that. Well people who state examples like that need to think about the game, and what a negative effect it would have on the game had it been too realistic. Most sports titles are more realistic, but that’s a lot harder to fake considering thats a sports league, and this is a fictional story. Nonetheless, in Madden’s Superstar Mode is it possible for a no-named third round draft pick to get a movie deal in his first year. Eventually when games are so good, there will be little problems like this, but overall they are usually too good for people to care about.

The last reason as to why I love this game is because the fine people at Rockstar North are not afraid to go above and beyond. When you first start a game one of the first things you here is, “Fuck you Nigga!” by the notorious and corrupt Officer Tenpenny. Throughout the game, cursing is used before every mission, and sometimes even during missions. Your character, Carl Johnson, can go to a strip club and pay $100 for a private dance. You can walk up to any vehicle you want and just take it like it’s yours. You can get a hooker, wait untill she pleasures you, then kill her and get your money back. You can steel a purple dildo from a police station, then proceed to kill people with it like a weapon. If I wanted to tell you everything about this game this post would be nineteen and one half pages long.

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is not just the best game in a series of highly successful but very controversial games, but in my opinion it is the best game ever made. My only reccomendation to you is that you go out and purchase it during the summer, because if you play during the school year it may effect your scholastic performance (i.e. not going to school to play video games, always thinking about the last mission you just did, comparing everything in real life to San Andreas, thinking about if you were “CJ” what weapon would you use to kill your teacher, and other assorted things of that nature.) This game will change your life, probably negatively, but it’s still man-tastic and as much as I shouldn’t be promoting a game like this, I think everyone should own a copy.

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Star Wars Unleashed 2 Trailer

I played Star Wars Unleashed a few times, but wasn’t nearly as into it as my twin brother.  I did enjoy the story a lot though and think this game has a lot of potential for greatness.  Who doesn’t love playing with light sabers?

Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood Trailer

I’m a huge video game nerd and I can’t get sick of this 2:41 of pure nerdy gold…

Sonic Defeats Mario in Olympics

*Fictional Story

11/12/09- Matt Driffill

For sports fans, there’s nothing more disappointing than getting really excited for an event or match that should be really great, then having it be completely one-sided.  Sports fans felt this pain everywhere last week when Sonic the Hedgehog rolled Super Mario in the Olympic Games.  Sonic won every single event but one, the hammer throw, where Mario set a new world record.

“Mama Mia!” Mario said, “Get the door!  No reporters!”

Mario was visibly, and understandably upset after the games concluded.  In what was one of the most anticipated match-ups in decades, all sports fans saw was the the world’s most famous Hedgehog defeat the world’s most famous Italian plumber time and time again.

“Not to sound like a prick or anything, but did people really think this would be close?” Sonic said.  “You look at my skill set and you see speed, agility, stamina, and balance.  What do you see in his skill set?  Taking ‘shrooms and jumping on turtles?”

Sonic is hoping this win will help him climb the metaphorical mountain he needs to climb to get back to where he was in the early 90’s.  Sonic has had a lot of down years and many critics said he must have lost a step or two.  Early Sega fans must be relieved that their favorite blue hedgehog is as fast as ever.

“I had some rough years back there, definitely hit a rough patch,” Sonic said.  “I did some things I probably shouldn’t have done.  I said some things I probably shouldn’t have said.  But I’m cleaned up now and just trying to be a good role model for kids again.”

However, like in every other competition, for every glorified winner, there’s a miserable loser not too far away.  Mario couldn’t be reached for comment, but his friends and family were.

“He’s taking this one really tough,” his brother Luigi said.  “We haven’t seen him like this since Koopa defeated him in Super Mario Kart.  He’s drinking whiskey again, which believe me, isn’t good for anybody.”

“I think he’s taking this one especially hard because it was on his own platform,” girlfriend/damsel in distress Princess Peach said.  “You know, the Nintendo Wii is his home, and he must feel terrible for letting so many of his fans down.  If it were on the Sega Genesis platform I think he would be able to move on and put this defeat past him.  I don’t now how he’s going to get over this one.”

Of course, some fans did get what they wanted.

“EHEHEHEHAHHAHAHA,” Bowser and Wario chimed in together.  “EHEHAHAHAEHHEHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!”