Chris Johnson is Lil’ Wayne

** Fictional

4/22/10- Matt Driffill

Tennessee Titans coach Jeff Fisher squandered around the training room looking for his star running back Chris Johnson.  After searching tirelessly for over an hour, Fisher looked up at one of the televisions in the room and saw his half-back being brought to prison with a news headline that read, “Lil Wayne Off to Jail.”

“When I first saw that I was like ‘Oh no, that’s not Lil Wayne, that’s my tailback,’” Fisher said.  “I knew that was Chris, I’ve seen that face a million times.  What I didn’t know is that he’s one of the most successful artists in the music industry; that’s great.  What I also didn’t know is that he’s going to jail; that obviously isn’t great.”

The news that Chris Johnson is in fact Lil Wayne shocked many.  Johnson led the NFL in rushing last season; compiling over 2000 yards and winning the Offensive Player of the Year award in the process.  Even more impressive, Johnson managed to do all of that while playing concerts on tours, composing several albums as well as contributing to many other hit singles throughout the year.

But 2009 wasn’t all good for Johnson.  He was charged with attempted criminal possession of a weapon and pleaded not guilty.  Johnson began serving his one-year sentence on March 8, but is expected to be released after eight months assuming good behavior on his part.

“He’s in jail?” asked Vince Young.  “Ahh Shit!  I’m FUCKED!!!”

Although it appears that Johnson won’t face a suspension in the NFL for violating the league’s personal conduct policy.  A strange report considering Commissioner Goodell’s notoriously strict punishments for the violation of the code.  Last week Steelers’ QB Ben Roethlisberger was suspended 6 games despite facing no jail-time or fines.

“We’re not the law.  The NFL has its own standards for our athletes and coaches,” Goodell said.  “We don’t think there’s a reason to give Mr. Johnson a suspension because he is already serving the time for his wrongdoings.  We’re confident that Mr. Johnson will become a better player and a better person when his sentence is up.  Plus he signed some autographs for my kids.”

We were able to get a quote from Johnson for the first time since he was incarcerated.  He says he is working on his new album “InCarterRated 1.”

“Young mulaaaa babaayyy!” Johnson said from his jail cell.  “2000 is IIGHT, but next year I’m gonna run for a milli!”

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Leinart Hears About Warner’s Retirement

*Fictional Story from February

2/14/10-Matt Driffill

"Sup Plaaayaaaaa"

Last week, Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner announced his retirement from football.  Today, back-up quarterback, and “Heir-to-the-Throne,” Matt Leinart finally heard about it.

“That bag of bones finally decided to call it quits, huh?” Leinart said.  “Thas whaaat I’m talkin’ ‘bout.  Awwww yaaaaa bro.”

Warner decided to retire after 11 seasons with a few deep valleys, but mostly peaks in a career that will most likely land him in the Hall-of-Fame.  He left the Cardinals with one of the most potent offensive attacks in football.  Some people wonder what will become of the Cardinals now that Leinart is the signal caller.

“I just wouldn’t expect much from the Cardinals until they get a real quarterback,” said NFL analyst Mark Schlareth.  “Leinart has had his chance time and time again, and he has failed time and time again.”

Schlareth is not alone in this opinion.  Several other ESPN analysts echoed his thoughts.  These people include, but are not limited too, Merill Hoge, Marcellus Wiley, Tim Hasselbeck, Tom Jackson, Trent Dilfer, Keyshawn Johnson, and even Barry Melrose, who felt like he needed to have his voice heard on the matter.

“Listen to me, eh,” Melrose said.  “I know hockey in and out, and hockey is a game of ‘haves’ and ‘have-nots’.  Matt Leinart is a ‘have-not.’  The only way this guy could be a “have” is if his sport was looking like a model and partying with underage girls, eh.”

Leinart’s response to Melrose’s comments was less than enthusiastic if you’re a Cardinals fan.

“Haha yeaaaaa bro,” Leinart said.  ‘That’s what I doooo.”

In just a week and half since Warner’s retirement, over 11 million people have joined the Facebook Group, “If You’re a Cardinals Fan and Are Pessimistic About the Matt Leinart Era, This One’s For You.”

On top of that, just under seven million people have joined the “I Would Rather Matt Leinart F*ck My Girlfriend Than Start For My Football Team” Facebook group.  Again, Leinart’s response was not exactly what Cardinals fans want to hear.

“Well no sh*t,” he said.  ‘I’d rather f*ck your girlfriend than play football any day of the week.  I’d join that sh*t.”

With the 26th pick in this year’s draft, the Cardinals might be leaning on drafting another quarterback to compete with Leinart this season.

“No doubt about it,” coach Ken Wisenhunt said about the possibility of drafting a quarterback in the first round.  “Only problem is we’re drafting too late.  But we’re more than willing to trade Boldin, Fitzgerald, Hightower; basically anybody is up for trade if it helps us land a quarterback other than him.”

What do you think of Brett Favre?

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

**Wrote this back in ’06 for my first blog.  So unrefined.  So raw. But alas, here it is resurfaced and appearing in my video games section.  Everything seems to come full circle.

7/15/06

Matt Driffill

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas was released in the fall of 2004. Being the latest installment in a series of great games, the people at Rockstar North knew they couldn’t have a game that was worse than is predecessor. When this game was released, controversy spiraled around it from the start. Excessive cursing, gang wars, burglary missions, bars, strip joints, sexual minigames and just about anything else that is wrong with human society can not only be found in the game, but promoted. Personally I think this is the best video game ever created for a number of reasons. 

One reason is because of the actual size of the game, not the disc, but the map on which you play the game. Anyone who’s ever played it has to agree the the state of San Andreas is much larger than any other fictional location ever created. Three individual cities, all capable of having a video game devoted individually to them. Amongt San Fierro, Los Santos, and Las Venturas, there is a desert, plenty of bodies of water, and a rural area that even has a mountain.

Another reason this game is so fantastic is because of the realism. You have to eat so you don’t lose energy, you have to work out and run on a treadmill in order to be able to jump higher and sprint for longer, if you have a girlfriend (there are 6 total) you have to go on frequent dates and give them presents so they won’t break up with you. So many aspects of this game are man-tastic. Many will argue that it isn’t realistic to be able to hold several guns at a time, or blow through a red light without a cop tailing you, and an assortment of things like that. Well people who state examples like that need to think about the game, and what a negative effect it would have on the game had it been too realistic. Most sports titles are more realistic, but that’s a lot harder to fake considering thats a sports league, and this is a fictional story. Nonetheless, in Madden’s Superstar Mode is it possible for a no-named third round draft pick to get a movie deal in his first year. Eventually when games are so good, there will be little problems like this, but overall they are usually too good for people to care about.

The last reason as to why I love this game is because the fine people at Rockstar North are not afraid to go above and beyond. When you first start a game one of the first things you here is, “Fuck you Nigga!” by the notorious and corrupt Officer Tenpenny. Throughout the game, cursing is used before every mission, and sometimes even during missions. Your character, Carl Johnson, can go to a strip club and pay $100 for a private dance. You can walk up to any vehicle you want and just take it like it’s yours. You can get a hooker, wait untill she pleasures you, then kill her and get your money back. You can steel a purple dildo from a police station, then proceed to kill people with it like a weapon. If I wanted to tell you everything about this game this post would be nineteen and one half pages long.

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is not just the best game in a series of highly successful but very controversial games, but in my opinion it is the best game ever made. My only reccomendation to you is that you go out and purchase it during the summer, because if you play during the school year it may effect your scholastic performance (i.e. not going to school to play video games, always thinking about the last mission you just did, comparing everything in real life to San Andreas, thinking about if you were “CJ” what weapon would you use to kill your teacher, and other assorted things of that nature.) This game will change your life, probably negatively, but it’s still man-tastic and as much as I shouldn’t be promoting a game like this, I think everyone should own a copy.

J.P. Losman Joins Twitter

**Fictional, Matt Driffill

So many athletes and celebrities have joined Twitter over the last year, and J.P. Losman is no different.  After holding out for so long, the Seattle Seahawks quarterback said “he had to do it.”

“I think it’s like kinda gay, the whole Twitter thing,” he said.  “But everybody’s got one now so I thought I’d give it a try.  At least it gives me a chance to like talk to some of my fans and stuff.”

Losman has been on Twitter for several days now, but as this article is being written, his number of followers is at a lowly 4.  Comparably, Lebron James had over 750,000 followers after one day.

“Well I’m not the fucking king,” Losman said begrudgingly.  “I know that.  But it’s not like Matt Hasselbeck has a twitter, so I’m still #1 on the Seahawks roster for QB’s right?  Does coach Pete know this?”

Unbeknownst to Losman, Hasselbeck does have an active Twitter account with 29,566 followers.  A much greater number than Losman’s four.

Another problem for the young journeyman quarterback is that Twitter.com is yet to give Losman a verified account.  Twitter does this with celebrities when they know for sure that their Twitter profiles are legitimate.  However, when Losman and his PR group contacted the Twitter team, they failed to convince them that Losman was either a celebrity, or a relevant person at all.

“Yeah they were really unprofessional about everything,” he said.  “I tried to tell them that I quarterbacked the Las Vegas Locomotives to the first ever USFL Championship, but they just laughed over the phone at me.  Like me ego needs another spit in the face.  Where can a guy get a drink around here?”

If you would like to follow Losman, you can here… http://twitter.com/Jon_Paul_Losman

“Yeah when you’re like done with this article, can you like tell people to follow me?” he said.

Random Sports Thoughts

Just for old times sake…

–The PGA Championship starts today, and as we speak, Tiger Woods is 2 under thru 2 holes.  I know last week was a disaster for Woods, but anytime he enters a major he has to be mentioned as the favorite.  I think as he gets more and more used to living in the post-car crash, adultery, world that he has for most of the last year, we’ll see his golf game reach new heights.

Golf, above all else, is a game of confidence and positive mindset.  It’s hard enough for me to play if the group behind me is watching.  Imagine everybody in the entire world watching every shot you take, then ripping open your personal life wide open.  Wide open.  Like as wide open as it could’ve been ripped.

But if he can get used to that, and get past that, his competitive attitude will reappear and his golf dominance will likely continue.  Once he gets one win under his belt, just watch out.  That’s my bold prediction.

–Football seasons coming, which is entirely exciting all by itself, but it also means that fantasy football is coming.  For a lot of us, whose favorite teams are consistently left out of the playoffs and shoved into the top 10 of the draft, fantasy can be a lot more fun than real football.

But the big argument is coming down to Chris Johnson vs Adrian Peterson.  Logic says you should take Johnson, I mean, he is coming off of a 2000 yard season.  But the real reason Johnson should go #1 is because of his 1-year contract he signed this offseason.  The Titans agreed to renegotiate his contract, but only for 1 year to see if he can do it again.  Bottom line, players do 10x better in their contract year.

But!  There’s always a but.  Whether Favre is retired or not, it’s apparent that the majority of the Vikings’ offense is going to depend on Peterson.  He’s wired the same competitive way as so many guys in professional sports, and he knows that everybody is saying CJ2K over him for most drafts and I don’t think anybody would be too shocked if All-Day went for his own 2000 yard season this year.

–We’ll just stay on football for a moment.  Revis’ holdout is a pretty big story, as it should be, but it’s not a huge deal.  He’s a professional, he’s in game-shape.  He can miss all of the preseason and still be the league’s premier cornerback.  However, if he’s not there than the Jets are losing their most important defensive player.

Maybe I’m just naive, but shouldn’t the Jets just give Revis the same 1 year deal that the Titans gave Chris Johnson?  Couldn’t they say, “Ok Darrelle, last season you were thebest cornerback in the league, so we’ll give you a solid 1 year contract, and then if you prove you can do it again, well sign you to a mutli-year mega deal.  How’s that sound?”

Then Darrelle Revis would say, “That sounds good.”

See, I solve problems.  Enjoy some golf and the weekend!

Star Wars Unleashed 2 Trailer

I played Star Wars Unleashed a few times, but wasn’t nearly as into it as my twin brother.  I did enjoy the story a lot though and think this game has a lot of potential for greatness.  Who doesn’t love playing with light sabers?