Goldust Doesn’t Make the Team

*Fictional Story

1/14/10- Matt Driffill

It’s no surprise that after winning the national championship last week against Texas that Alabama would have an increase in walk-ons try out for the team.  However it is surprising that a former WWE superstar was one of those walk-ons who tried out for the Crimson Tide football team.

“You’ll never forget the name….(deep breath)…..Goldust…” Goldust said.

Dustin Rhodes Jr, or Goldust as he was called as a professional wrestler tried out for the Alabama football team.  Yet despite a mediocre amount of fame,  he was cut loose by the national champions a mere twelve minutes into his first practice.

“Some people got it, and some people don’t,” said Alabama head coach Nick Saban.  “And I’m not talking about football talent or intangibles or anything like that.  I’m talking about that ‘crazy factor.’  This guy is a few screws short of a tool set if you know what I mean.”

Goldust appeared at practice in his old wrestling suit and announced, “The Crimson Tide…..(deep breath)….is going to become the Golden Tide….”

“That motherf*cker was cracked out or something,” said Alabama running back Mark Ingram.  I’m not a country Alabama boy; I’m a city boy.  I’ve seen some crazy dudes in my life, but I have never seen a guy so out of his mind.  That guy was on some serious sh*t.”

It was a surprise to some that Goldust managed to make it twelve minutes into the practice.  After announcing several bizarre things, Saban asked him several times to leave.  Goldust refused and when security was called he began removing clothing and evading the number of security guards.

Before being pulled away from the facilities he did make a vow…

“You can take away my body….(deep breath) ….. You can take away my spirit….. (deep breath)…. But you can’t forget….. (deep breath)….. Goldust….

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Colt McCoy Arrested on Cockfighting Charges

*Fictional Story

7/16/09- Matt Driffill

It turns out Michael Vick wasn’t the only quarterback to be charged with animal cruelty.  Texas Longhorn’s quarterback, and Heisman hopeful, Colt McCoy was charged with 3 counts of animal cruelty for attending, and hosting Cockfights at his Texas property.

“I’m sorry for everything I have done,” McCoy said in a perfect written apology letter.  “I’m sorry for training chickens, just to have them fight.  I’m also sorry for eating chicken fingers.  I realize now how inhumane my actions have been.”

Austin police officials raided the McCoy property when whispers of such animal cruelty were said to have been taking place.  Upon the raid, the police officials discovered rings, and cages for chickens to fight and live.  Also the officials found miniature weight benches and heavy bags for the chickens to train.  Lastly there were T-shirts discovered that displayed McCoy’s Chicken Team Name on them, “Bad Newz Chickenz”

“They’re just chickens!” Said McCoy’s friend and Super-Duper Senior at Texas Jordan Shipley.  “We eat dem sum bitches anyways!”

Despite arguments for both sides of the fence, the Big 12 or Texas is still yet to make a decision on disciplinary action.  The lack of decision is largely because all of the rednecks in the Big 12 are advocates for cockfights.

“We don’t believe, at this time, that Colt should have to face suspension,” said Big 12 Commissioner Dan Beebe.  “It’s in the nature of Texas to want to put those little chickens in the fight of their life.  I don’t think it’s fair to punish somebody for who they are.”

Dan Beebe also noted that he is a public advocate of lynching, and wishes that his beloved pastime could return to Big 12 athletics.

Sam Bradford Loses to Agatha in 3rd Round of Pokemon League

*Fictional Story

8/13/09- Matt Driffill

If losing in the national title game to Florida last season was heart-breaking, than Sam Bradford has to think of a new adjective for his latest monumental defeat.

Last year’s Heisman winner lost to Agatha, the ghost specialist, of the Elite four on Tuesday.  In a very close contest, Agatha’s level 60 Gengar just proved too much for Bradford and his Arcanine.

“I guess I don’t really know what to say,”  Bradford said.  “I’ve lost competitions before, but I’ve never felt like this.  I truly believe I was the better trainer out there.  Maybe that’s why it hurts so much.”

Bradford surged through Bruno and Lorelli on his way into Agatha’s stadium.  He looked invincible and destined to become the new Pokemon League Champion.

“Am I surprised?  Yeah, a little,” Said Professor Oak.  “I’ve seen every legitimate young trainer, and Bradford was a real threat.  It’s not often you see a young man like that.  Between his adorable smile, curly hair, and starry eyes, well he was just the natural.”

Some scouts said that he was a little raw when he was younger, but had matured a lot after defeating Misty for the Cascade Badge.  After that he traveled to Vermillion where he spent a lot of time training with LT. Surge.

“Heh Yah!”  LT. Surge exclaimed.  “I turned that wimp into a pimp!  Heh Yah!”

Bradford was left with just his Arcanine after his Blastoise, Electabuzz, Alakazam, Hitmonlee, and Scyther were defeated.  Although his highest leveled Pokemon, Arcanine was unable to defeat the mighty ghost Pokemon.

“I’m obviously a little disapointed, but I know this isn’t the end,” Bradford said.  “Next year, I’ll be back stronger than ever.  I want to be the very best, the best there ever was.  To catch them all is my real quest, and to train them is my cause.  And if there’s time I’ll try to beat Texas too.”

USC Recruiting Models

*Fictional Story

9/10/09- Matt Driffill

Although his starting quarterback is only a freshman, USC football coach, Pete

Carroll has already hit the recruiting trail looking for current QB, Matt Barkley’s, successor.

Several USC Scouts were seen at Holister Clothing Company, and GQ Magazine photo shoots, apparently scouting the models as potential football players.

“Look at our guys,” Carroll said, specifically to the only female reporter in the room.  “Carson Palmer, Matt Leinart, John David-Booty, Mark Sanchez, and Matt Barkley.  All of our QB’s are good looking, and they always will be.  I like to think that our coaches aren’t too shabby either.”

While it is fact that almost every USC QB is attractive (David-Booty was obviously on the lower scale), they also usually have some sort of football pedigree, or have at least played it once in their lives.  These models that USC is recruiting claim to have only watched football a couple of times, and have admitted to never playing.  Such claims have led many to be skeptic of Carroll’s plans for a future QB.

“Nonsense,” Carroll said.  “I’m Pete Carroll baby.  I could work with any person and turn them into a star.  It just works out that way with our schemes.  It’s our offense.  Hell, I could probably make you a Heisman winner you doughy little fuck, but you’re not good looking enough.  You don’t fit the USC mold of QB’s.”

Although USC has the best record in the last 8 years amongst FBS teams, they only have 1 national championship, and are looking to improve upon that mark this season despite starting a true freshman at QB.

“Barkley’s our guy, and he knows how to play the field,” Carroll said of his starting quarterback.  “I was at a kegger with some of the guys on the team, and my god.  You should see the kind of tail this kid is pulling.  After that I had to tell Aaron Corp to fake an injury so I could get this guy in the game.  He’s going to be the crown jewel of USC quarterbacks.  And you can bet, next year, I’ll be attending the Heisman ceremony with him and we’ll tear that town up!  Aha!  Carroll and Barkley!”

Tim Tebow Has Sex; Murders

*Fictional Story

10/29/09- Matt Driffill

When Florida quarterback, Tim Tebow, announced that he was a virgin in a press conference two months ago, millions of girls across the country wished to be his first.  While they may have lost the race for Tebow’s purity, they all may be counting their lucky stars.

Tebow, it was reported, had sexual intercourse with a female junior student late Saturday night, but when he ejaculated the semen flew through her body and blew her head straight off.

The junior girl, Marise Adams, was a history major, but more importantly to Tebow, she was a 37-23-36 in the measurements department.  The same numbers that Marilyn Monroe boasted.

“It’s a tragedy,” her father, Fred Adams, said.  “But we know she would want to have died no other way.  Her sisters and cousins are envious of the position that she’s in.  Even my youngest son is jealous.  I’m sure she died fulfilled.  Really filled.”

Possibly even stranger than killing somebody with an ejaculation, was the setting of the crime/intimate scene.

“We were at a huge party, and Tim just stood up on a table and said he had an announcement to make,” Florida running back Chris Rainey said.  “We didn’t think it was a big deal.  He does it everywhere he goes.  Dinner, game day, class.  He likes making announcements.”

“So he got up on this table and said, ‘Yo listen up!  There’s a girl!  I’m going to have sex with her on the 50 yard line!  48 minutes for the rest of your lives!’ then he left.  Obviously we all had to go watch.  Hell, there was more people there for that than the Charleston Southern game.  Then we thought fireworks shot up afterwards.  It ended up being her severed head.”

Adams’ family (<— Hidden Halloween Joke) said they will not be pressing charges and publicly wished Tebow and the whole Florida Gator team luck for the rest of the season.  Tebow spoke to the press for the first time since the incident earlier today.

“To the fans and everybody in Gator Nation, I’m sorry,” Tebow said.  “I’m extremely sorry.  We were hoping for a successful sexual experience.  That was my goal, something I’ve never done here.”

“I promise you one thing, a lot of good will come out of this.  You will never see any player in the entire country hump as gently as I will hump for the rest of the season.  And you will never see someone push the rest of his players to hump as gently as I will push everybody the rest of the season.”

“And you will never see a team have sex with so many hot girls as we will for the rest of the season.  God Bless.”

A plaque of Tebow’s latest speech, now dubbed “The Promise II” is to be erected at Ben Griffin Stadium later this week.

Butler Alum Shows Pride

*Fictional

4/1/10- Matt Driffill

After qualifying for the school’s first ever Final Four, many Butler alum are speaking out to show their support.  One Butler graduate may have taken it further than he should have.

Jerry Shints, the butler of the Quarterton estate outside of Boston was fired yesterday for making a “Syracuse Sucks” painting for the dining room.  Mrs. Quarterton graduated from Syracuse in 1990 and was most upset about the issue.  Shints had been employed by the Quarteton’s since he graduated from Butler

“Butler making the final four for me is well, a dream come true,” said Butler alum Jerry Shints.  “And if losing my job proves how much I love my team, then so be it.

Shints graduated from Butler in ’99 with a degree in Personal Household Services.  He was at the top of his class, and got his masters just one year later.  Obviously, it would come to no surprise to anyone when Shints was offered the Butler position on the Quarteton estate right out of college.

“I’ve produced some of the best butlers in America over the years, but Shints was just about perfect,” said serving professor, Ronald Frishski.  “His posture, the way he never spoke unless spoken to, his loyal obedience; just about anything a wealthy family could want.”

But it turned out Shints wasn’t perfect.  He says that the constant verbal abuse from the family year round cause him deep psychological issues that forced him to act more aggressively.

“I’m no dummy; I can see the connection between being a butler, and graduating from Butler,” Shints said.  “But the joke really isn’t funny when you’re poked fun at for over 10 years because of it.”
Although Shints says he hates his work, he knows he must serve on some other estate soon.

“It’s all I know, serving and aiding the wealthy,” he said.  “This is just going to be a resume killer though.  You wouldn’t think it, but there’s not a huge market for butlers right now.  It’s sort of a traditional thing you know?”

When asked about the painting that resulted in his dismissal, he required a minute to gather himself after laughter.

“Haha, it didn’t just say ‘Syracuse Sucks,” he said.  “It may or may not have included a graphic photo of me having sex with their daughter.  YOU HEAR THAT MR. QUARTERTON?!?  I F*CKED YOUR DAUGHTER!!”

Tim Tebow Received Gatorade from Florida Alum

**Fictional Story**

Reggie Bush and USC have made all the headlines about violations and misconduct with their recruiting policies and the benefits that athletes have been receiving.  But sources close to Gainesville have turned the finger pointing to the southeast.

“I was there all four years Tim Tebow was there,” said anonymous source #1.  “I have never seen anyone, in my whole life, receive as much Gatorade as he did in both the field and weight room.  Coaches, alumni, girls, priests, you name it.  Everybody was shoving Gatorade down this guy’s religious throat.”

While the NCAA is yet to announce whether or not there will punishments or necessary consequences, other coaches in the SEC have shown their support of the University of Florida football team taking some sort of penalty

“They f*ckin bettter,” Georgia coach Mark Richt said.  “There’s a reason those douchebags are in the SEC final every year.  They got more Gatorade than they know what to do with.  If there was some sports beverage called, I don’t know, ‘Bulldogade’ maybe we could beat those bastards.”

Mark Richt wasn’t done ranting.

“Wanna know another thing that grinds my gears?  That Urban Meyer.  This guy says he’s going to resign because of health issues.  Then he’s taking a year off.  Whatever, as long as the guy is out of my hair right?  But then he’s on recruiting trips, spring practices, and everything else.  This guy didn’t take any time off at all!”

The other anonymous source close to the football team doesn’t think that the Gators should be punished at all.

“Naturally, we called it ‘Gator-Ade,” said anonymous source #2/old man from Gatorade commercial