T.O. Signs with Bengals

The news was broken approximately 15 minutes ago, that free-agent wide receiver Terrell Owens will sign a one year deal with the Cincinnati Bengals.  Is this a big enough deal for me to write about it?  Not entirely, my ideas have to deal with why no other team wanted the future Hall-of-Famer.

Sure T.O has had his issues in the past with multiple teams, it’s no secret.  But coming from somebody who lives in western New York, he was an exemplary player last year with the Bills.  He had a few media outbreaks, but who wouldn’t when you have Ryan Fitzpatrick, Brian Brohm, and Trent Edwards as your gunslinger.

And before Bills fans jump down my throat, realize this guy had previously been teamed up with Steve Young, Jeff Garcia, Tony Romo, and Donovon McNabb.  His numbers last year must be taken with a grain of salt because of the debacle that was the Bills season.

But moving forward, just about any team in the league could use T.O.  Obviously some more than others, but the fact that it took this long for him to get signed kind of comes as a shock considering….

1) His numbers and abilities are amongst the best of all time at his position.

2) Besides spats with a QB or a coach, he’s been free of incidents that could get him in trouble with the league’s super strict personal conduct policy.

3) The Bengals will likely get Owens for 10 cents on the dollar because nobody else wanted him that bad.

If T.O. has a big year I’m sure there’s going to be a number of coaches and GM’s kicking themselves about letting him slip away.  Especially Ol’ New England Bill who kept us, the fans, from watching this generation’s two most successful receivers team up on one team.

The last generation got it with Tim Brown and Jerry Rice teaming up late in their careers with the Raiders, but we won’t see it with Moss and Owens which is a disappointment to a lot of sports fans I’m sure.

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Joba’s Struggle

What the hell happened to Joba Chamberlain?  Two years ago he looked like a guy poised to anchor the Yankees staff for the next ten years.  Now it looks like he couldn’t anchor a staff of a fucking Applebees.  Ask Dirt, who I’m next to right now.

“He kinda sucks,” the Dirt man said.  “That’s pretty much all I have to say.”

My theory on Jobas disappointing free-fall to mediocrity (or perhaps worse), is that he probably parties too much.  He’s a super famous, young reliever on the best team in baseball.  He probably goes out every night thinking, “Doesn’t matter what the fuck I’m doing because even if my hungover ass can’t pitch tomorrow, I know they can take me out, Robertson or Mo will come in, and we’ll win the fuckin’ game.  Boom! Where’s the tequila?”

And yes, that’s precisely what he thinks every day before he goes out and gets smashed.  Look at all the weight he’s gained.  If Lendale White can lose 25 lbs by just not drinking tequila, I’m sure Joba can gain 25 lbs by just drinking only tequila.

Overload!

Put up a lot of old fictional stories and, wait for it, actually gave them titles!  Hooray!  Now you can simply search for Sports Meister classics that you might have wanted to reread.  Not a bad day at the office.

Goldust Doesn’t Make the Team

*Fictional Story

1/14/10- Matt Driffill

It’s no surprise that after winning the national championship last week against Texas that Alabama would have an increase in walk-ons try out for the team.  However it is surprising that a former WWE superstar was one of those walk-ons who tried out for the Crimson Tide football team.

“You’ll never forget the name….(deep breath)…..Goldust…” Goldust said.

Dustin Rhodes Jr, or Goldust as he was called as a professional wrestler tried out for the Alabama football team.  Yet despite a mediocre amount of fame,  he was cut loose by the national champions a mere twelve minutes into his first practice.

“Some people got it, and some people don’t,” said Alabama head coach Nick Saban.  “And I’m not talking about football talent or intangibles or anything like that.  I’m talking about that ‘crazy factor.’  This guy is a few screws short of a tool set if you know what I mean.”

Goldust appeared at practice in his old wrestling suit and announced, “The Crimson Tide…..(deep breath)….is going to become the Golden Tide….”

“That motherf*cker was cracked out or something,” said Alabama running back Mark Ingram.  I’m not a country Alabama boy; I’m a city boy.  I’ve seen some crazy dudes in my life, but I have never seen a guy so out of his mind.  That guy was on some serious sh*t.”

It was a surprise to some that Goldust managed to make it twelve minutes into the practice.  After announcing several bizarre things, Saban asked him several times to leave.  Goldust refused and when security was called he began removing clothing and evading the number of security guards.

Before being pulled away from the facilities he did make a vow…

“You can take away my body….(deep breath) ….. You can take away my spirit….. (deep breath)…. But you can’t forget….. (deep breath)….. Goldust….

Joe Namath Talks Jets vs Colts

*Fictional Story

1/21/10- Matt Driffill

With the AFC Championship upon us this weekend, former Jets quarterback, Joe Namath is excited to watch his old team take on the Indianapolis Colts for a chance to play in Miami for the Super Bowl.

“The Jets are a very, very strong team,” Namath said.  “They have strong players, and other strong players, and their strength is strong.  And that Sanchez… Sanchez is it?  I like him.  He’s like me, a SUPER BOWL CHAMPION YEAAAAAA.”

Namath famously guaranteed victory in Super Bowl III against the heavily favored Baltimore Colts.  The 18 point underdog Jets went on to defeat the Colts 16-7.  WIth the Jets strong defense this season, it wouldn’t come as a major surprise to see that scored as the final after this Sunday’s game.

“The Jets…. The Jets are strong….The Jets are strong?” Namath said.

The Hall-Of-Fame quarterback called reporters to his home in South Florida to talk to them about his playoff predictions.  When reporters arrived they were invited inside by his housekeeper, but then Namath was found laying by his pool, apparently very intoxicated.

He was in and out of consciousness and in and out of his glass of Long Island Iced Tea.

“I think that the Jets will achieve victory, over the Colts,” he slurred.  “They are not from Baltimore anymore, they don’t have Unitas anymore, they are no good anymore.”

After Namath made several attempts to woo an attractive female reporter from the Miami Herald, Namath continued.

“It’s obvious to me that the Jets are the favorite to win the tournament,” he said.  “There are some teams, some teams, that can run the ball.  There are some teams …… did Suzy Kolber ever….. ever say anything about me?  Do any of you guys know her?  I’d like….”

Namath was unable to finish the interview with the reporters.

Ronnie Suspended From “The Shore”*

*Fictional Story

1/28/10- Matt Driffill

In a shocking turn of events that will surely shock the reality TV world, Ronnie from the hit MTV show “Jersey Shore” has tested positive for steroids and other performance enhancers and as a result he has been suspended for 50 days from the Jersey Shore.

“Steroids are bad for children, bad for adults, bad for everybody,” said MTV president Van Toffler.  “These drugs all but ruined America’s pastime, and I certainly won’t be the guy who allows them to ruin reality TV as well.”

Ronnie Magro, the muscular, aggressive, self-described “guido,” tested positive for a number of drugs that appear on the banned substance list for MTV’s reality television shows.  The list includes Dynabolic, Cypiobolic, Omnadren, Sustanon, Trenabolic, and also a number of different human growth hormones.

Not on the banned substance list, but also appearing on Ronnie’s drug test was a rare horse steroid (mainly used for injured race horses), and an unidentified drug that Ronnie describes as “Ron Ron Juice.”  He claims it’s his secret recipe and will not disclose the information.

“Yo to be honest with you, I’m not suprised,” said Mike “The Situation,” a fellow cast member on Jersey Shore.  “He was always fighting and yellin and shit.  So many times I was with a girl, doin’ my thing, and I’d here his roided out ass yellin’ about something.  It doesn’t even look good when you’re that big.  Thin is in baby.”

Ronnie was dating Sammie “Sweetheart” on the show, and the two had gotten into a number of verbal, and physical altercations throughout the season.  One instance included a conflict on the boardwalk where Sammie actually began shouting with another couple and it eventually led to Ronnie getting into a fight,

“This is it for real.  Like for real.  Like it’s over.  Like we’re done,” Sammie said.  “Like if you get suspended for 50 days from the shore, like it’s over.  Nothing.  Nothing good is there anymore and like its bullshit to put me through this.  That time he slightly pushed me on the boardwalk was it too.  And the time he was dancing to house music with that girl.  And like that other time on the reunion show.”

The other Jersey Shore cast members couldn’t be reached for comment because they were, “battling against the music,” when called upon.  One member did manage one quote.

“Only thing I’ll say about my boy is I ain’t sayin’ shit,” Pauly D said.

End of Season NFL Power Rankings

1/28/10- Matt Driffill

Well it’s settled.  There are two teams left and lucky for us football fans, they were the two best teams all season long.  A real treat we have on deck for the Super Bowl next week.  That said, I’ll be doing my Super Bowl preview next on next week’s update.  This week’s post is for my Pro-Bowl predictions!!!

Jokes.  Nobody cares about the Pro-Bowl, nobody.  Not even the players.  Seriously.  David Gerrard is going to the Pro-Bowl as the 7th alternate.  How sad is that?  For how great the NFL is, they really should work something out for a decent All-Star game as it is by far the worst of the major sports.

So I’m not talking about the Super Bowl.  I’m not talking about the Pro-Bowl.  But I am talking about the NFL!  I think because the season is just about over, you guys are due for a SportsMeister exclusive hit!  I’m talking about a new form of power rankings.  I’ll rank the teams, select a famous song to associate with that team, and then explain why.  Sounds like fun right?  Should be fun.

1) Indianapolis Colts (14-2)

“Forever” Drake (ft Kanye West, Lil’ Wayne, and Eminem)

No song right now gets you as jacked up and ready to go as this one does.  So as this team prepares for the Super Bowl they will take on the soul of this song and be remembered forever.  Basically Peyton Manning is to the NFL as Drake, Kanye, Lil’ Wayne, and Eminem are to the rap world.  Legit.

2) New Orleans Saints (13-3)

“When the Saints Go Marching In” Louis Armstrong

Obviously now it seems that I have picked the Colts as the favorite for this year’s Super Bowl.  I’ve picked them from the preseason on and I’m not about to jump ship now.  That said, the Saints had a great year, a great run, and they’ll be back in a few years.  Might as well enjoy the ride with a funky Jazz groove that includes their team nickname in the title.

3) Minnesota Vikings (12-4)

“My Heart Will Go On” Celine Dion

While some teams are celebrating and preparing, others are weeping vigorously as their metaphorical ship (the Vikings’ season) sinks slowly and desperately into the freezing waters of the Atlantic.  But not only is their ship slipping away, Adrian Peterson is floating on a door while Brett Favre falls into the abyss just as Peterson promises to never let go.

**Editor’s note** Unlike Titanic where Jack Dawson actually dies, Brett Favre will return to the NFL.  Possibly halfway through the season because he is that big of a douche bag.  Please enjoy the rest of the column.

4) New York Jets (9-7)

We Made It” Linkin Park (Ft. Busta Rhymes)

Some teams say “Super Bowl or bust.”  Those teams don’t enter the season with a rookie QB, a rookie coach, and low expectations.  Those teams say “First pick overall of bust.”  The Jets proved to everybody that they are a good team that’s only going to get better over the next few years.  And as Busta Rhymes and Mark Franchez would say, “We Made it!”

5) Baltimore Ravens (9-7)

“Up In Here DMX

You may be asking yourself why a team who fell short of their preseason aspirations for the second straight season doesn’t have a more mellow song attached to them.  Well there’s a good answer for that.  The Ravens are gangsta.  Ray Lewis killed people with his blade, that’s hood shit.  DMX is the only appropriate answer here.

6) Dallas Cowboys (11-5)

“With You” Jessica Simpson

Honestly, this doesn’t have anything to with the fact that Tony Romo used to date Jessica Simpson.  That’s a personal subject that I won’t get into.  I’m just drawing comparisons.  Most of Jessica Simpson’s songs are letdowns or just extremely annoying; this one was bearable and arguably successful.  However, she wasn’t winning Grammy’s and most people expected better from her after that single.

The Cowboys usually end their season in disappointing fashion (playoff loss, December collapse, Ed Werder sex scandals. Etc), but this year wasn’t so bad.  They managed to get the monkey off their back by winning the division and winning a playoff game.  Something Bills fans would trade kidneys for.  That said, the Cowboys didn’t win it all and we don’t know what to expect in the future.

7) San Diego Chargers (13-3)

“Loser” Three Doors Down

This isn’t necessarily pointed at all of the Chargers as they are a very successful football team and have been for most of this decade.  But, it is pointed directly at their goofy looking head coach Norv Turner.  Norv, you were an extremely mediocre coach for your entire career.  You then inherited Marty Schottenheimer’s 14-2 team and managed to make the playoffs a few teams.  Yet with all the talent out there, and in one of the weakest divisions in football, you still are yet to make noise in the postseason.  You sir, are a loser.

And you too Tomlinson.  For a while people were talking about you as one of the best ever.  But you better change something up fast because you’re falling quickly into the Patrick Ewing role.

8) Green Bay Packers (11-5)

“Have a Drink on Me” AC/DC

There’s a plethora of reasons for this one.

• Of all the teams in the NFL, the Packers have the most amount of players I would want to have a beer or two with.

• The Packers had a good year for their young team and have nothing to be ashamed of

• Next year they will have higher expectations, and won’t be as fun as “Have a Drink on Me.”

• Packer’s coach Mike McCarthy looks like an alcoholic and an ACDC fan.

9) Arizona Cardinals (10-6)

“Ramblin’ Man” The Allman Brothers

This one isn’t necessarily directed at the whole Cardinals team as much as it is directed at their quarterback.  Kurt Warner has been a journeyman quarterback for much of the last ten years and as well as he has played at times, he’s been disrespected a ton.  Unlike a lot of other guys, okay maybe just one guy, Warner realizes his time is up.  Plus the sing is old and he’s a bag of bones.

10) Philadelphia Eagles (11-5)

“Every Rose has its Thorn” Poison

Desean Jackson: Yeah we lost, but look on the bright side, we made the playoffs again!

Jeremy MaClin: Hell yeah!  We make it every year!  We’ll win dozens of Super Bowls!

Desan Jackson: We just got to work hard, have the right attitude, and we’ll bring a Super Bowl back to Philly!!!

Jeremey MaClin: No doubt in my mind man.

……Meanwhile….

Donovan McNabb:  I just wish I could win one you know?

Brian Westbrook: Yeah man, I know exactly how you feel

Donovan McNabb: It’s like we’re the Bills from the early ‘90s, but shittier

Brian Westbrook: I know I know.  We’re running out of chances quick.

…..Meanwhile….

Andy Reid: I will use intimidating shout

11) New England Patriots (10-6)

“The End of the World as We Know It” Timothy K Beal

Bill Belichick: …. My reign has ended

Tom Brady: Don’t worry coach, we’ll be back next…. Did you just say your reign?

Bill Belichick: ….What will people think of me?

Tom Brady: You do realize how instrumental I was in your success over the years, right?

Bill Belichick: ….Me?  A failure?  This can’t be happening.

Tom Brady: Fuck you dude, I’m going to fuck Gissellle.  She cooks.

(Brady exists)

Bill Belichick: (Sobbing uncontrollably) I shouldn’t have gone for it on 4th and 2!!

12) Cincinnati Bengals (10-6)

“Fuck the Police” Eazy E (ft NWA)

If you don’t get this one you really just don’t pay enough attention to the NFL.

13) Pittsburgh Steelers (9-7)

“Glory Days” Bruce Springstein

Last year the Steelers were Super Bowl champions in one of the best postseason games ever played.  This year, they get to watch as their will be a new champion crowned.  I say “Glory Days” for them because I’m not convinced it will be just a one year layoff for them.  The Browns now have Mike Holmgren in charge (and we saw in Miami with Parcells what a good football mind can do for a lousy team) and the Ravens look like a team that will contend every year.  The word is still out on these guys.

14) Houston Texans (9-7)

“Almost There” Andy Williams

I’ve never heard this song, and I bet you haven’t either.  If you have, excellent.  If you haven’t, I googled “Almost There song” and this came up.  The Texans were “almost there” as they were a few tiebreakers away from their first postseason appearance.  However, they are still “almost there” as there is a ton of upside to this team.

15) Tennessee Titans (8-8)

“Got yourself a Gun” Nas

***See: 12) Cincinnati Bengals (10-6)

16) Atlanta Falcons (9-7)

“Grease Lightning” Grease

Stick with me for a moment.  The Falcons came out of nowhere and were great.  The did okay this year with a lot of hype, but battled injuries and couldn’t pull out a spot in the postseason.  However there’s a lot to look forward to next season isn’t there?

Kind of like Grease.  It starts out with “Grease is the Word” which is the dark horse in the show and my personal favorite (save “Summer Lovin”).  Then the big hyped up song is “Grease Lightning” which is a good song by all accounts, but kind of overshadowed and overhyped in the grand scheme of things.  Then it finishes with “We Go Together” which was excellent.

Basically, the Falcons will be excellent next season.

17) Denver Broncos (8-8)

“I’ll Remember You” Skid Row

This one was tough for me.  I really wanted to choose “Free Falling” by Tom Petty because the Broncos really have put new definitions on the term “late season collapse.”  But I can’t label the season as a total failure because they did exceed expectations in every way possible.  So I choose this song, one of my favorites by the way, because it’s emotional, and sad, and all that jazz, but it’s also kind of fast with a solid pace that screams inspiration for the future.

18) San Francisco 49ers (8-8)

“Bad Boys for Life” P Diddy

Between Patrick Willis, Vernon Davis, Michael Crabtree, and Ballpark Frank, the 49ers are some bad boys.  They have a ton of upside and it looks like coach Singletary is just the guy who is able to light a fire under the asses of these 1st round draft picks.  It’s no secret that I like the Niners and what they have to offer.  I often dream of a Broncos-Niners Super Bowl matchup that is so epic, everybody just says, “Man, that game was so amazing that both teams deserve Lombardi Trophies and ‘Greatest Team Ever’ Awards.”

19) New York Giants (8-8)

“Baby Come Back” Eddie Grant

This one is for Plaxico Burress.  For when Plaxico has been in the lineup in the past three seasons, the Giants have been one of the top tier teams in the league.  Since he’s been suspended/incarcerated the Giants have appeared slightly above average and sometimes mediocre.  While I’m not sure if Plex will land back in the NFL once his sentence is up, I am sure that there’s a solid amount of Giants fans that resent Plaxico for not being there and helping their team.

20) Miami Dolphins (7-9)

“Welcome to Miami” Will Smith

How could I possibly write a column featuring 32 songs and not reference Will Smith?  I couldn’t, and that’s why he’s referenced here.  I get it, the Dolphins are fun with their whacky offensive formations and plays.  Will Smith is kind of fun with his whacky, yet family friendly, rap lyrics.  Plus, the Dolphins logo is the least intimidating in all of sports, and Will Smith is many things, but intimidating isn’t one of them.

21) Jacksonville Jaguars (7-9)

“Lazy Days” Shwayze

“Lazy days in Los Angeles, if ain’t your parents it’s the damn police.” Why choose a song featuring Los Angeles for the Jacksonville Jaguars?  Simple.  They’re going to be the LA franchise in X amount of years.  Even with the godsend (Tebow) the old folk of Jacksonville won’t care enough to make it out to the games.  They really shouldn’t worry though, LA is a much better market and they’ll do better out west away from the Colts, Titans, and Texans.

22) Chicago Bears (7-9)

“Soundtrack to My Life” Kidd Cudi

Like many others on the list so far, this song is directed at Gay Butler.  You want to hear the Soundtrack to Cutler’s life?  It’s pretty easy to see on his face when he plays football, and it never matters what team he’s playin’ for.

I got 99 problems and they ain’t bitches

Wish I could throw touchdowns and not interceptions

When I take my helmet off, My hair looks shitty

I have to pay for sex, and I got diabetes.”

Insensitive?  Maybe a little.  But he’s insensitive for thinking he was above the idea, just the idea, of being traded.  Hope he’s the first ever member inducted into the Hall of Shame.  And if you’re wondering where it’s located; it’s in hell.

23) Washington Redskins (4-12)

“Home Improvement” TV Themes

Tool Time!  New coach, new GM, new feelings for this organization.  I don’t have any negative feelings towards Shanahan at all for coaching a different team as he was unexpectedly fired from the Broncos.  And I think he can turn the Redskins around in 2-3 years to make them a  threat in the NFC.  All ol’ Shanny needs is Flanel Al.

24) Carolina Panthers (8-8)

“Do You Remember?” Jack Johnson

“Do you remember when we played the Patriots?

It was some time in early February

Though we lost the game, I thought that’d we’d be back

But now I realize, we just lick a ton of sack.

…Do you remember?”

–Jake Delhomme

25) Seattle Seahawks (5-11)

“Wannabe” Spice Girls

The Seahawks are the lamest, girliest, douchiest squad in the entire league.  They are even “wannabe’s” of the Spice Girls themselves.  At least the Spice Girls had Scary Spice who had some spunk in her.  And Sporty Spice could probably be the starting safety for their lousy defense.  And Baby Spice is tougher than Matt Hasselbeck.

26) Kansas City Chiefs (4-12)

“Random Native American Chant” Random Native American Tribe

Come onnnnn, you know I had to do it.  It wouldn’t be a SportsMeister column without a racially insensitive joke right?  Maybe I should delete this.  Nope, too lazy to go back and highlight that whole sentence.  Good thing nobody cares about the Chiefs and nobody will ready this….hopefully.

27) Buffalo Bills (6-10)

“You Can’t Always Get What You Want” Rolling Stones

Most Bills fans were optimistic about landing a big-name coach.  Why?  Not sure.  The Bills have a lousy market, and an even lousier team.  Between the shady quarterback situation, awful offensive and defensive line, and an owner who has less time than the print journalism industry, it’s no wonder they settled with Chan Gailey as their new head coach.  And don’t kid yourself.  If anything, he’s merely a stepping stone in the right direction who might be able to develop some of their younger players.

28) Cleveland Browns (5-11)

“Three Little Birds” Bob Marley

I give the Cleveland Browns one of the most inspirational and optimistic songs of all time because I think they have a lot to look forward to.  Everywhere Mike Holmgren has gone, he has won and won consistently.  I mentioned in the Steelers section about how Parcells turned around the Dolphins in no-time and how Holmgren might be able to do the same.  Maybe not as fast, but Cleveland has a great fan base, and a great football mind in charge.  I like this team going forward.

29) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-13)

“I’ve Seen Better Days” Citizen King

Remember earlier when I was making fun of the Panthers for reminiscing about their Super Bowl loss being the highlight of that franchise’s history?  If you don’t you either didn’t ready it or suffer from sever short term memory loss because it’s only like five teams up.  Anyways, at least the Bucs managed to win a Super Bowl!!!  That’s something to be proud of right there!  Some franchises who’ve been around for fifty years still can’t say that, so good for you for getting that monkey off your back.

30) Oakland Raiders (5-11)

“Yo Ho (A Pirate’s Life for Me)” Jonas Brothers Cover

A Raider is kind of like a pirate right?  Well if it was a football playing pirate it’d be a Raider.  And if it was a Raider, it’d either be retarded,  disappointing, a pussy, a defensive back with a weird name, or Shane Lechler.  In a nutshell that about sums up the Raiders.

31) Detroit Lions (2-14)

“Tomorrow” Grace Jones

You guys know this one.  “Tomorrow!  Tomorrow!  I love you tomorrow!”  Rings a bell now doesn’t it?  Basically what it means is, things aren’t great now for the Lions, but with a young QB, RB, and WR tandem, things are looking okay for “Tomorrow!”

32) St. Louis Rams (1-15)

Boulevard of Broken Dreams” Green Day

The most depressing team deserves a really depressing song.  And what’s more depressing than walking along a broken down boulevard all alone with nowhere to go and nothing to look forward to.  Think about it for a second.  Really put yourself in that situation where no matter how hard you work, no matter how good of a person you are, you’ll still get nothing in the end.  Congratulations, you now know how Stephen Jackson feels.

Enjoy the Pro Bowl and look forward to my Super Bowl column next week!