LeBron-less Cavs win first game

Satire/Matt Driffill/10.28.10

The LeBron James era in Cleveland ended abruptly, but the team isn’t ready to stop their winning ways. Cleveland Cavaliers fans applauded, cheered and some even cried as their Cavaliers defeated the Boston Celtics Tuesday night in their season opener.

“It feels really good to win for these fans,” Jamario Moon said. “For real though. Once LBJ was out we was all like, ‘ya’ll know nobody’s coming to our games anymore.’ But here they were, cheering us on like we’ll still be a playoff team or something.”

The new-look Cavaliers were led by J.J. Hickson who scored 21 points.  Hickson was almost traded last season, but Dan Gilbert and the rest of the Cavs are happy they haven’t as it appears he is the heir apparent to King James’ throne in Cleveland.

“Who said that?” Hickson said after the game. “Please, nobody say that. I don’t need that shit in my life, man.”

The Celtics, who defeated LeBron’s Heat on Tuesday, couldn’t understand how they lost to them.

“I don’t really know what happened,” coach Doc Rivers said. “We showed up, saw a team of scrubs, and just didn’t bring our A-game. Pretty disappointing, but also pretty funny.”

“I’m happy for the people of Cleveland,” Celtics guard Paul Pierce said. “It’s not everyday you get to raise the spirits of an entire city. I’m glad we could help them.”




NFL Picks Week 7

I haven’t done an NFL picks column since last season (Curse you actual writing job) but I found a moment on this lovely Wednesday and would be delighted to take a look at the early lines for this week’s NFL Action. Whatt’ya say gang, shall we?

Pittsburgh @ Miami (+3)

Big Ben’s debut, not too shabby. Granted it was against Colt McCoy and the Browns, but it appears that he didn’t miss a beat during his four-game suspension. This week he takes his talents — and his Harley — to South Beach to take on the Dolphins. Unfortunately for Chad Henne, and the rest of the SeaCritters, Pittsburgh’s D is out to hurt people.

Pick: Steelers

Cincinnati @ Atlanta (-3.5)

This game will be a ton of fun to watch!!!! If you can’t sense sarcasm in text by now, come on man. This game is going to be boring as a Seahawks game. Carson Palmer is, as Broadway Joe would put it, “Strug-a-ling” and until he picks his game up they’re going to be labeled as a stinker for 2010.

Pick: Falcons

Jacksonville @ Kansas City (-10)

Good thing for Maurice Jones-Drew, he went to UCLA. So when the Jaguars move to L.A. in a few years, he’ll already know his way around the busy streets of L.A.

Pick: LA Mojo

Philadelphia @ Tennessee (-3)

Jeff Fisher vs Andy Reid. Two of the mustache greats, but one of the most bitter rivalries in the NFL. You didn’t know about their old college days? Oh yeah, some really serious shit went down. I can’t post it on the internet, but just know it involved a half-keg, a strip-club and a level 70 Paladin from World of Warcraft.

Pick: Philly Cheese Steak

Washington @ Chicago (-3)

Another bitter rivalry! Mike Shanahan vs Jay Cutler! The former Broncos coach against the former No. 1 draft pick. Oh, you say they’re not rivals? That Cutler was traded after Shanahan’s firing, so they’re not really foes? Damn. There goes that angle. I’d still bet they both hate McDaniels & Tebow though.

Pick: Washington “Politically incorrect team name”s

Cleveland @ New Orleans (-13)

Another snoozer. Remember last week against the Bucs when Drew Brees tore the defense apart. They looked like last year’s team. That probably doesn’t bode well for the Browns. Colt McCoy’s arm is too noodly to beat a Big-12 team let alone the defending NFL Champions.

Pick: Browns to cover, Saints win.

Buffalo @ Baltimore (-13)

Tough news sports fans in upstate New York, games on the road can’t get blacked out. That’s right, we get to watch the Bills get trounced by one of the league’s best….. again. As a psuedo member of Bills’ nation, I’ll take it if they cover the 13 points. I’ll chalk it down as the Bills’ first win of the year.

Pick: AYYYAAAA AYYYYY AYYYYYYY (Bills to cover, Ravens win)


I got class. Must zoom through these! (home teams in bold)

San Francisco (-3) over  Carolina

St. Louis (+3) over Tampa Bay

Arizona (+5.5) over Seattle

New England (-2.5) over San Diego

Oakland (+8) over Denver(Not to win, HERE WE GO BRONCOS, HERE WE GO!!!!)

Green Bay (-2.5) over Minnesota

Dallas (+3) over NY Giants

Big Ben Excited to Return

Satire, 10.14.10, Matt Driffill

After serving his four game suspension, Steeler’s QB Ben Roethlisbruger returns to the starting line up this week against their division rival, the Cleveland Browns.

“It’s really exciting to be back again,” the two-time Super Bowl champion said. “You thought I was creepin’ on girls before? That was nothin’ compared to what I’ve been up too lately.”

Roethlisberger touched on a number of issues in a press conference Thursday. Topics ranging from getting girls, creeping on girls, and how many girls he’ll get after Sunday.

“Nobody gets the ladies like the starting quarterback of Steel-Town,” he said. “Even Charlie Batch was having girls throw their panties at him. I was all like, ‘Whoa Charlie! You ol’ dog!’ Then I shoved the panties down his throat. Fuckin’ hilarious.”

Roethlisburger also spoke publicly about being accused of sexually assaulting a 20-year old college student from Georgia earlier this year.

“That c*nt wasn’t assaulted,” he said. “If she consented then I would have assaulted her with my Big Ben if you know what I mean.”

Roethlisbruger insists that the female was merely after his money.

“She was either after my coin, my Harley Davidson, or my leather jacket,” he said. “I know a Steel-town gold digger when I see one. But nobody touches Big Ben’s leather. Nobody.”



Jerk Reactions: Halladay No-No, Moss back to Vikings, Mariano Rivera

–Roy Halladay’s no-no yesterday was more historic than anybody could know. In his first year with a real World Series contender, he performed well enough every start to be the landslide favorite for the NL Cy Young for the first season in the league.

Doc has been arguably the best pitcher of the 2000’s (is that what we call it?) putting up great #’s in the AL East for his whole career. People assumed that when he jumped ship to the NL, his performance would only improve. Well, we were right. He’s showing everybody that he’s as gifted as a pitcher as anybody who takes the mound.

With Halladay at the front of the rotation for the Philles, they have to be the favorite in the NL and perhaps the whole postseason. As a Yankees fan, you know they’re the last team I want to see in the World Series, and he’s the reason.

–Randy Moss was traded back to the Vikings for some lowly draft picks. No big surprise, the Patriots always trade great veterans who are looking for contract extensions. That’s how they stay competitive year in and year out. Did they make out good on the Randy Moss deal? Not on paper. But you can be sure that Tate, Edelman, or whomever fills Moss’ shoes will be productive. And if they aren’t, you can be sure that BB will find somebody who will be. We should just accept everything the Patriots do because it tends to work out for them.

But the Vikings…. They made out on this deal, yesssirrrr!!! Rice comes back in a few weeks, which will give them a receiving core of Randy Moss, Sydney Rice, Percy Harvin, Bernard Berrian, and Visanthe Shianchoe. That group, coupled with AP gives them the best offense in the NFL.

Of course, any offense is only as good as their quarterback. If Favre can get into a rhythm (which he should. He missed the pre-season, but has played three full games now and had a bye week. Oh yeah, and he has one of the top 3 receivers of all-time now) then the Vikings, on paper at least, look like they are as much as a SB contender as anybody else.

I love that Moss is wearing #84 again too. Can’t wait to see him Monday night against the Jets for the second time this season.

–Lastly, just a shout to Mariano Rivera. Yankees won last night, 6-4 in their ALDS opener against the Twins, and Mo came in for another 4-out save. People talk about it all the time, but when we have the privilege to watch somebody who is the greatest of all time, it’s always a treat.