LeBron gets ready for return to Cleveland

The Miami Heat-Cleveland Cavaliers game on Thursday will be anything but routine for either team. It’s LeBron Jame’s first time back in Cleveland since “The Decision” that left most Cavalier hating their former King.

“LeBron James can go fuck himself,” lifelong Cavs fan Martin Gilden said. “Cleveland always sucks at sports, and just when we’re gettin’ good, he fuckin bolts it for South Beach. Fuck LeBron.”

Gilden’s opnion on King James is felt by many in Cleveland who felt betrayed when LeBron made his decision to take his talents to South Beach. But Thursday night’s game offers a chance for fans to tell him how they really feel.

“It’s going to be wild, probably out of control,” Gilden said. “Say what you want about Cleveland sports, but our fans are loyal. And you can bet that when the Heat come into town tomorrow night there’s going to be a lot of noise. There’s going to be rioting, finger pointing, garbage flying. It’s going to get creepy and weird.”

While Cavaliers fans are looking forward to a nightfall of boos and negative chants, LeBron is saying that he “won’t let the haters shake him.”

“If LeBron James let the haters shake him, then the haters won,” James said. “I can’t let the haters win. I can’t let anybody win if it’s not me. Now that I think about it, fuck the Heat. Even if they win, it’s not only me. I gotta figure something out.”

Rumors have it that some NBA teams have inside bets going on in their locker rooms about what kind of game James will have when he returns to the city that once loved him. Shaquille O’Neal expects LeBron to have a big game.

“I expect him to have a big game,” Shaq said.

The Cavaliers have warned fans that security will be beefed up and signs that are too negative will not be allowed into the Gund Arena. However, fans have formulated other plans to get back at the athlete that betrayed their city.

“I was thinking about, you know, how I can show my hatred for LeBron,” Gilden said. “And after a bunch of dumb ideas, a genius idea came to me. Unforuntately, I can’t tell you what it is. You’ll just have to tune into tomorrow night.”

 

Brad Childress lobying for Cowboys job

Satire/11.12.10

By Matt Driffill

 

With half of his locker room seemingly uniting against him, Vikings head coach Brad Childress has made it public that he’s ready to move on from Minnesota.

"Chilly thinks his time in Minnesota is up. Chilly likes to speak in third person now, and Chilly likes the nickname 'Chilly'"

“I’m not fool. I know when a situation is working and when a situation isn’t working,” Childress said. “This situation isn’t working.”

Childress has been the head coach for the Vikings since 2006 and has several playoff appearances with them on his resume. But with as talented as a roster as the Vikings has had since Childress has been calling the shots, they’ve failed to advance to a a Super Bowl. And after a disappointing 2-5 start to 2010, it appears that he’s already looking for other job opportunities.

“You don’t need to be at the end of your contract to be considered a ‘lame-duck’ coach,” Childress joked. “My body of work here in Minnesota is no-good. It’s time for me to roll up my sleeves and look elsewhere.”

Several Vikings players have stepped forward, anonymously, to acknowledge how much they don’t care for their head coach.

“He’s a f*ckin’ dick,” said a Vikings player. “He really doesn’t do shit but watch CSI in his office all day.”

“I just wish he’d run the ball more,” said another Vikings player. “I mean I’m… I mean… We have one of the best running backs in football and all we do is throw the ball. Let me… I mean…. our running back … get some touches in crunch time.”

One player wasn’t afraid to give up his name when talking negatively about his coach. He said it’s because, “He doesn’t giev a f*ck about the Vikings.”

“He’s just not a good football coach,” quarterback Brett Favre said. “He’s good at some things …. Like CSI trivia…. and….. Uhhh….. he has a great Pee-Wee Herman impersonation. But he’s not very good at handling a football team.

Even Randy Moss — who was recently traded to the Vikings and then released shortly thereafter — had bad things to say about Childress.

“The guy is inept,” Moss said, donning his new Titans jersey. “You give that guy one of the most talented rosters in the league and what does he do? He goes and f*cks it up. He motivates players to want to struggle in hopes that he gets fired. F*ckin’ guy is ridiculous mang.”

"I don't wanna say anything bad now, but that guy... he was a ..."

Childress says he has no hard feelings about the future departure with the Vikings and thinks the split will be best for him, his family, the Vikings organization and the state of Minnesota as a whole.

“Let’s be realistic, I’m not the type of coach that handles Super Bowl expectations very well,” Childress said. “I don’t handle any kind of expectations well. Ask my wife about or sex life, she’ll tell you. I live to disappoint.

“That’s why I’m excited about applying for the Cowboys job,” he added. “They continually have high expectations, but since they always disappoint, I already know what’s expected. Yup, Dallas is the city for me.”

LeBron-less Cavs win first game

Satire/Matt Driffill/10.28.10

The LeBron James era in Cleveland ended abruptly, but the team isn’t ready to stop their winning ways. Cleveland Cavaliers fans applauded, cheered and some even cried as their Cavaliers defeated the Boston Celtics Tuesday night in their season opener.

“It feels really good to win for these fans,” Jamario Moon said. “For real though. Once LBJ was out we was all like, ‘ya’ll know nobody’s coming to our games anymore.’ But here they were, cheering us on like we’ll still be a playoff team or something.”

The new-look Cavaliers were led by J.J. Hickson who scored 21 points.  Hickson was almost traded last season, but Dan Gilbert and the rest of the Cavs are happy they haven’t as it appears he is the heir apparent to King James’ throne in Cleveland.

“Who said that?” Hickson said after the game. “Please, nobody say that. I don’t need that shit in my life, man.”

The Celtics, who defeated LeBron’s Heat on Tuesday, couldn’t understand how they lost to them.

“I don’t really know what happened,” coach Doc Rivers said. “We showed up, saw a team of scrubs, and just didn’t bring our A-game. Pretty disappointing, but also pretty funny.”

“I’m happy for the people of Cleveland,” Celtics guard Paul Pierce said. “It’s not everyday you get to raise the spirits of an entire city. I’m glad we could help them.”

 

 

Big Ben Excited to Return

Satire, 10.14.10, Matt Driffill

After serving his four game suspension, Steeler’s QB Ben Roethlisbruger returns to the starting line up this week against their division rival, the Cleveland Browns.

“It’s really exciting to be back again,” the two-time Super Bowl champion said. “You thought I was creepin’ on girls before? That was nothin’ compared to what I’ve been up too lately.”

Roethlisberger touched on a number of issues in a press conference Thursday. Topics ranging from getting girls, creeping on girls, and how many girls he’ll get after Sunday.

“Nobody gets the ladies like the starting quarterback of Steel-Town,” he said. “Even Charlie Batch was having girls throw their panties at him. I was all like, ‘Whoa Charlie! You ol’ dog!’ Then I shoved the panties down his throat. Fuckin’ hilarious.”

Roethlisburger also spoke publicly about being accused of sexually assaulting a 20-year old college student from Georgia earlier this year.

“That c*nt wasn’t assaulted,” he said. “If she consented then I would have assaulted her with my Big Ben if you know what I mean.”

Roethlisbruger insists that the female was merely after his money.

“She was either after my coin, my Harley Davidson, or my leather jacket,” he said. “I know a Steel-town gold digger when I see one. But nobody touches Big Ben’s leather. Nobody.”

 

 

Braylon Edwards Apologizes to Fantasy Owners

An open letter from Braylon Edwards to all of his fantasy football owners….

“Dear ya’ll,

Let me star off with the obvious; my bad.  For real though, my bad.  I f*cked up.  I shouldn’t have driven drunk, and I shouldn’t have drank as much as I did.  I know I f*cked up.  It’s because I love to party.

ap images

"THIS BEARD IS THE SH*T THOUGH FOR REAL!"

You drafted me for your fantasy football team expecting me to produce, and that’s what I want to do for ya’ll.  I know I haven’t been that “productive,” whatever the f*ck that means, in the last few years, but lately I’ve been focusin’ on two things and two things only.  Being the first wide-receiver to catch a million balls, and grow out the meanest, dirtiest beard in the history of sport.  With the help and support from you guys, my fantasy owners, I know I can achieve these lofty goals.

I know what my status is in Fantasy football.  I had that one good year and since then I’ve been overrated.  So if I’m on your fantasy team this season, after all my sh*t, then it’s probably because I was on your team for my good season and you’ve been thinking I could do that again every year since.  Well I haven’t, and for that I’m sorry.  But that was a real good year ya’ll, like too nice of a year for me to try to replicate though.

But that’s no excuse!  Hard work is going to bring me back on top, not endless shots of tequila and bong hits in NYC (BUT I DO LOVE THIS CITY’S NIGHTLIFE YESSIR LOL!!!!!!!) But I’ll be working very hard on, and off the field, to improve my performance for every fantasy football owner out there that still believes in me.

Thank you, God bless

Braylon”

Matt Leinart Wants Heisman from 2005

Matt Driffill

Satire

The storm is over; Reggie Bush will forfeit his 2005 Heisman Trophy.  Subsequently, the media frenzy that followed the situation has passed as well.  Vince Young, the former Texas quarterback who came in second that year in voting has said he wouldn’t accept the award just because Bush forfeited it.

“I would not want to have it,” Young said.  “Like I’ve said before, Reggie Bush is the 2005 Heisman winner.  He was the most outstanding player in college football that year, not me.  Why would I want it if I didn’t earn it?”

While Young has taken the high road on the situation, the player who came in third place thinks he’s the rightful recipient of the award.

“It just makes sense that the trophy goes to me,” said former USC quarterback Matt Leinart.  “My man Reggie got it taken from him, Vince clearly doesn’t want it.  But guess what?  I do want that fuckin thing.  Give it here.”

Leinart came in a distant third place for Heisman voting in 2005, well behind Bush (the landslide victor) and far behind Young for second place.

“I’m serious about this shit playa,” Leinart said.  ‘I will be protesting, I will be fighting, and I will be begging for that trophy.  It’s rightfully mine dog, kinda.”

Leinart had a tumultuous offseason.  After Kurt Warner retired, it appeared that Leinart was the heir apparent for the high-octane Arizona offense.  But after a slow showing at training camp, and an unsuccessful pre-season, Cardinals’ coach Ken Wisenhunt made the decision to promote backup Derek Anderson to the starting job, and he let Leinart go.

“Yeah that guy’s a piece of shit,” Leinart said of Wisenhunt.  “He was all like ‘you f*cked my daughter.  There’s no chance you start for this football team.’  And I was all like, “who’s your daughter, oh wait, is this your daughter?’  Then I pulled my phone out and showed that fool his daughter’s sugar tits.  Haha that was classic.  But then he cut me.”

Leinart signed with the Houston Texans, and is slated as Matt Schaub’s backup for an offense that could lead the league in scoring.  But regardless of what happens for Leinart in the NFL season of 2010, he still thinks there’s unfinished business about his final season at USC in 2005.

“I’m not being selfish, I’m not being conceited, I’m not being anything like that,” he said.  I just want what’s rightfully mine.  Not counting the other two guys, I was the most outstanding player in college football that season and I deserve the trophy.  Plus, if the Heisman comes home with me, I’d be the second player ever to win two Heismans!  Then people start throwing my name around when they talk about football’s all-time greats.  I’d score some major hottie ass.”

Chris Johnson is Lil’ Wayne

** Fictional

4/22/10- Matt Driffill

Tennessee Titans coach Jeff Fisher squandered around the training room looking for his star running back Chris Johnson.  After searching tirelessly for over an hour, Fisher looked up at one of the televisions in the room and saw his half-back being brought to prison with a news headline that read, “Lil Wayne Off to Jail.”

“When I first saw that I was like ‘Oh no, that’s not Lil Wayne, that’s my tailback,’” Fisher said.  “I knew that was Chris, I’ve seen that face a million times.  What I didn’t know is that he’s one of the most successful artists in the music industry; that’s great.  What I also didn’t know is that he’s going to jail; that obviously isn’t great.”

The news that Chris Johnson is in fact Lil Wayne shocked many.  Johnson led the NFL in rushing last season; compiling over 2000 yards and winning the Offensive Player of the Year award in the process.  Even more impressive, Johnson managed to do all of that while playing concerts on tours, composing several albums as well as contributing to many other hit singles throughout the year.

But 2009 wasn’t all good for Johnson.  He was charged with attempted criminal possession of a weapon and pleaded not guilty.  Johnson began serving his one-year sentence on March 8, but is expected to be released after eight months assuming good behavior on his part.

“He’s in jail?” asked Vince Young.  “Ahh Shit!  I’m FUCKED!!!”

Although it appears that Johnson won’t face a suspension in the NFL for violating the league’s personal conduct policy.  A strange report considering Commissioner Goodell’s notoriously strict punishments for the violation of the code.  Last week Steelers’ QB Ben Roethlisberger was suspended 6 games despite facing no jail-time or fines.

“We’re not the law.  The NFL has its own standards for our athletes and coaches,” Goodell said.  “We don’t think there’s a reason to give Mr. Johnson a suspension because he is already serving the time for his wrongdoings.  We’re confident that Mr. Johnson will become a better player and a better person when his sentence is up.  Plus he signed some autographs for my kids.”

We were able to get a quote from Johnson for the first time since he was incarcerated.  He says he is working on his new album “InCarterRated 1.”

“Young mulaaaa babaayyy!” Johnson said from his jail cell.  “2000 is IIGHT, but next year I’m gonna run for a milli!”