Jerk Reactions: Halladay No-No, Moss back to Vikings, Mariano Rivera

–Roy Halladay’s no-no yesterday was more historic than anybody could know. In his first year with a real World Series contender, he performed well enough every start to be the landslide favorite for the NL Cy Young for the first season in the league.

Doc has been arguably the best pitcher of the 2000’s (is that what we call it?) putting up great #’s in the AL East for his whole career. People assumed that when he jumped ship to the NL, his performance would only improve. Well, we were right. He’s showing everybody that he’s as gifted as a pitcher as anybody who takes the mound.

With Halladay at the front of the rotation for the Philles, they have to be the favorite in the NL and perhaps the whole postseason. As a Yankees fan, you know they’re the last team I want to see in the World Series, and he’s the reason.

–Randy Moss was traded back to the Vikings for some lowly draft picks. No big surprise, the Patriots always trade great veterans who are looking for contract extensions. That’s how they stay competitive year in and year out. Did they make out good on the Randy Moss deal? Not on paper. But you can be sure that Tate, Edelman, or whomever fills Moss’ shoes will be productive. And if they aren’t, you can be sure that BB will find somebody who will be. We should just accept everything the Patriots do because it tends to work out for them.

But the Vikings…. They made out on this deal, yesssirrrr!!! Rice comes back in a few weeks, which will give them a receiving core of Randy Moss, Sydney Rice, Percy Harvin, Bernard Berrian, and Visanthe Shianchoe. That group, coupled with AP gives them the best offense in the NFL.

Of course, any offense is only as good as their quarterback. If Favre can get into a rhythm (which he should. He missed the pre-season, but has played three full games now and had a bye week. Oh yeah, and he has one of the top 3 receivers of all-time now) then the Vikings, on paper at least, look like they are as much as a SB contender as anybody else.

I love that Moss is wearing #84 again too. Can’t wait to see him Monday night against the Jets for the second time this season.

–Lastly, just a shout to Mariano Rivera. Yankees won last night, 6-4 in their ALDS opener against the Twins, and Mo came in for another 4-out save. People talk about it all the time, but when we have the privilege to watch somebody who is the greatest of all time, it’s always a treat.

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Lancer Berkman Terrified

*Fictional StorySeriously, if you're a Yankee fan, do you want to go to war with Hideki Matsui and Johnny Damon, or with this year's trade-deadline saviors - Lance Berkman (above) and Austin Kearns.

Matt Driffill

For a lot of players in baseball, getting traded to the New York Yankees, a perennial contender, is a dream come true.  For others, like the newly acqured DH, Lance Berkman, it’s a nightmare come true.

“I can’t do this, I can’t do this,” Berkman said over and over.  “Houston was in Texas, and in the NL.  No pressure, no pressure, no pressure.  I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I CAN’T DO THIS!”

Berkman was traded to the Yankees this week for next-to-nothing, a Single A player and cash.  Berkman was consistently one of the Astro’s best players, but his numbers have suffered this season.  His HR’s and batting average are at their lowest points since his rookie season.

“Lance has been sluggish lately, but we think if we put him around the right guys he’ll be able to produce,” Yankees manager Joe Girardi said.  “Around guys like Jeter, Cano, Texiera, and everybody else there won’t be too much pressure on him.”

Alex Rodriguez, who is still stuck on 599 HR despite an astonishing 34 Ab’s agrees with Girardi.

“It’s tough with the media when you first come here, but it gets easier,” A-Rod said.  “Now I don’t feel any pressure about anything and it allows me to go up to the plate with complete confidence that a HR is on its way.”

Joba’s Struggle

What the hell happened to Joba Chamberlain?  Two years ago he looked like a guy poised to anchor the Yankees staff for the next ten years.  Now it looks like he couldn’t anchor a staff of a fucking Applebees.  Ask Dirt, who I’m next to right now.

“He kinda sucks,” the Dirt man said.  “That’s pretty much all I have to say.”

My theory on Jobas disappointing free-fall to mediocrity (or perhaps worse), is that he probably parties too much.  He’s a super famous, young reliever on the best team in baseball.  He probably goes out every night thinking, “Doesn’t matter what the fuck I’m doing because even if my hungover ass can’t pitch tomorrow, I know they can take me out, Robertson or Mo will come in, and we’ll win the fuckin’ game.  Boom! Where’s the tequila?”

And yes, that’s precisely what he thinks every day before he goes out and gets smashed.  Look at all the weight he’s gained.  If Lendale White can lose 25 lbs by just not drinking tequila, I’m sure Joba can gain 25 lbs by just drinking only tequila.

Jason & Jeremy Giambi Meet Long-Lost Brother

*Fictional Story

3/11/10- Matt Driffill

The Giambi brothers are two of the most famous sibling athletes in sports.  For the better part of the past decade, they’ve been known for towering home-runs, huge muscles, and wild personal lives.  And although they’ve never been on the same team, they’ve always remained as close as they were when they were boys.

“Jeremy and I are like two needles in a buttocks, we just mesh well,” Jason said.  “It’s always been him and me, me and him.  That’s the way it’s been, no matter what else is going on in this crazy mixed up world.”

Well now it appears that the Giambi brothers will turn this tag team into a triple threat.  On Wednesday, it was reported that the two sluggers have reconnected with a long lost brother, who was put up for adoption before they were born.  And despite a lifetime apart, the three got along perfectly.

“Seeing my two younger brothers, for the first time in my life…. It’s just wow.  What a magical feeling,” said Paul Levesque AKA Triple H.  “For years, I’ve felt this hole in my heart.  I thought it could have been a side-effect from some of the steroids I was taking, but to find out it was just sadness from not knowing about my brothers is much worse than a health issue.  I just hope the rest of our lives’ are as magical as we all know they can be.”

The three met at a gym in Phoenix in 2002 and really hit it off.  Reportedly, Jason had said something in passing to his father about the famous wrestler, who may have slipped up about the possibility of a distant brother.  Jason began his search, and after eight years of searching, he had finally found what he was looking for.

“To say this is a dream come true would be unfair,” a teary-eyed Jason said.  “Just finding out that anybody was my long-lost brother would be a dream come true.  But the fact that he’s a jacked, tan, hilarious, boozehound S.O.B. who I could shoot the shit with for hours; well that’s beyond any dream I could have ever had.”

According to the trio, there’s big plans professionally for them lurking ahead.

“Well my old partner Shawn Michaels is on his way out,” Triple H said.  “He’s been my partner forever, and I knew one day I would have to find another guy when he decided to hang up the needle.  And now, it’s a no-brainer.  ‘The Giambi Brothers’ the most feared wrestling family since the Hart Foundation.”

“Yeah, I’m totally f*cking stoked!” Jason said.  “The market for a washed-up 39 year old DH isn’t exactly a hot ticket in baseball right now.  Plus the whole steroids and yadda yadda yadda.  Whatever.  From what I know, steroids are not only allowed in wrestling, they’re encouraged.  I’m ready to do this for the rest of my life with my brother.”

The youngest brother, Jeremy, was also very excited.

“M-m-m-my bruvva, a wressla?”  Jeremy said.  “I love wressalin!  I love Cena the most!”

Jeremy Giambi is 35 years old, not 12.

Adam Dunn Admits Steroid Use

*Fictional Story

3/12/09- Matt Driffill

Another blip on the radar as MLB slugger Adam Dunn admitted his use of performance enhancing drugs last Monday.  The Washington Nationals slugger joins the list of ever-growing athletes to have admitted steroid use.

“You know, I originally took steroids to get noticed, to do better,” Dunn said.  “I guess that’s kind of why I’m admitting to it.  Nobody cares about me, but I think now I might even get a story on ESPN News; Sportscenter if I’m lucky.”

Dunn has 278 career home-runs, all of which are in question after his admission.  All seven members of the Adam Dunn fan club were shocked with the news.  President of the fan club, Steven Zhinen was particularly upset.

“You know, it takes a lot for us to go out on a limb and support somebody like him,” Zhinen said.  “Not even 300 Home-runs.  Only a .247 batting average.  This is not the type of guy who we would expected to use steroids.”

Dunn didn’t seem to care much for his fans.  He was much more concerned with what lay ahead of him in this new world of clean conscience for him.

“A-Rod even got to have an interview with Peter Gammons when he admitted it,” Dunn said.  “If I can just meet Gammons, man, that would be just about as good as it gets.”

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig was disappointed about the news of this story, but was thankful it wasn’t somebody more significant.

“Of course it’s sad Adam used steroids, but I think people kind of expected it,” Selig said.  “If it had been somebody like Joba Chamberlain, or Dustin Pedroia, this would be a much bigger mess.”

Dunn said he doesn’t plan to stop taking steroids any time soon.

“Why would I?” he asked.  “It makes me better, plus it makes me relevant.  I figure if I test positive three times, I’ll be the first slugger to ever be banned for life.  That would be something.  Then I know I made it,” Dunn said with a smile.

Former Red Sox Catcher Selling Himself

*Fictional Story

3/19/09- Matt Driffill

Talk about a designated hitter.  It turns out that even professional athletes aren’t immune to the recession.  Former Red Sox Catcher, Doug Mirabelli, was discovered on craigslist.com trying to sell himself.  His page could be found under either categories, “men seeking women,” or “men seeking men.”

Mirabelli could not strike a deal this offseason with another Major League team, but did manage to land a job as a hitting coach at St. Francis High School in Traverse City, Michigan.

“It’s not a huge surprise that an assistant coaching job doesn’t pay the bills,” Mirabelli said.  “I don’t like being a hooker, but it’s work.”

“Doug is just trying to do what he can do for the family,” said wife Kristin.  “We were trying to figure it out, and his wardrobe of denim shorts, and dirty tank tops just fit perfectly for a male prostitute.”

His craigslist page featured a few provocative photos, including one particularly disturbing one, where Mirabelli is bent over a dishwasher with a firemen suit.

“Dougie’s going deep tonight,” Mirabelli said trying to force a smile.  “I always do.  I just hope it’s not with some guy named Phil.”

World Cup vs World Series

3/26/09- Matt Driffill

The World Cup and the World Series are monumental events beyond description by a freshmen student.  One crowns the champion of America’s game, and the other crowns a country supreme in the World’s favorite game.

Quick side note….Obviously neither of these two are watched as obsessively as the Super Bowl, so it would be useless for the Sports Meister to compare the World Cup  or the World Series to the Super Bowl.  The Sports Meister’s talents must be better administered than thus.  The Super Bowl is the best and most beloved by a wide margin.  Not to mention it generates ca$h!  And don’t you dare say it’s just because it’s one game do-or-die situations because that’s a cheap excuse.  Do you think the World Cup Final or Game 7 of the World Series has the rating the Super Bowl has?  No, and it won’t.  Ever.  Not even close.  So stop it.  Don’t.  Stop.

So now the the champion of championships has been universally crowned, who gets the Michelle Kwan?  (For you faggy non-figure skating fans out there, that means silver.  Losers.)

The Stanley Cup was fly but it’s grown stale as it has lost national attention.

The NBA Championship doesn’t have a sweet name.  There are no Super Bowl Champions or Stanley Cup Champions, just NBA Champions, and that’s super-lame.  I vote they should call it the Roundball End-All.  I like it.

The Masters is a good.  Great name, famous venue, sweet jacket.  Can’t win though because it holds no real value over the other 3 majors.  It’s considered equal.

Similar problem with the Daytona 500.  I feel like the winner of the should get like triple the points they do.

BCS championship has a great trophy, but also way too much controversy every year.

The NCAA Basketball champion is out-shadowed by the month of exciting the games preceding the finale.

Wimbledon has a great history but was recently the title of a lousy Kirsten Dunst movie.  So you know how that goes.

The Little League World Series exploits children and promotes fascism.  One of those may be acceptable, but both simultaneously is a definite No-No

The Champion’s League is confusing.  I feel like there’s ten tournaments a year for that and I just don’t care after the sixth.

The Euros is an excellent competition, but they don’t include many of the World’s best teams.  Should the AFC not be allowed to compete in football every two years?  No!  So the Euros can’t be significant until they get the big boys.  Brazil, Argentina, Mexico, Canada, and Lithuania would all love to make a splash.

Kentucky Derby makes people lose a lot of money, but mainly, those little guys on the horses creep me out big time.

The hot dog eating competition inspires me every year to try to eat a bunch of hot dogs.  I end up making like six red-hots.  I’ll eat two or three and then they get cold.

College World Series has too much ping and not nearly enough bling.

The Olympics is like a blowjob.  You only get it every two years, it starts like a big deal, and gets old after awhile.

The WNBA is…. well that’s just too easy.

So after that breakdown were left with two big things left:  The World Series of Poker and the PBA Player’s Cup!

Haha, I just phuggin’ with ya.  You already know it because it’s in the title so I don’t feel bad about playing the tricks that I do.  I hope you enjoyed that 619 word tangent, but it was somewhat relevant.  Right?  Please?

So back to the main point of the story.  World Series vs the World Cup, what’s better?  It was a rhetorical question you self-centered jerk-off.  I mean, you need lots of data and funny sayings to formulate an educated opinion on the topic.  Unless of course you really like baseball and despise soccer or vice-versa.  If that’s the case then you’re mind is pretty much made up and I doubt anything I say or do will sway you.

But let’s break it down one time one time!

Let’s repeat and rhyme repeat and rhyme!

*Those were each 9 syllables.  That’s significant for two reasons…

It means I rhymed legit and it wasn’t as stupid as I thought it would be originally.  Well, yeah okay it’s just as stupid, but maybe a little justified.

9 is a major number here because I will now break down the Cup and the Series with 9 different factors.  It’s an odd number so we will see a clear cut winner.  Unless they tie in some topics!  Oh god!  What would I do?!?!

Either make two ties or not tie any of them.  It’s my article and I have complete creative control so that’s an issue I should need not worry about.  Here we go!

1) General Competition- An important thing to understand when analyzing right now is that I am judging the whole events.  All games for the Cup, and how ever many games it might take for a series.  Not the whole playoff tree for baseball or just the final for the soccer.  So if it’s general competition, then I think this one is pretty obvious.  There are only two teams in the World Series and thirty-two in the World Cup.  Yeah I know that just because there are more teams doesn’t mean there will be better competition, but think about it.  You can never see a Red Sox-Yankees world series.  The best you could ever get is maybe a Yankees-Mets, Yankees-Dodgers, White Sox-Cubs and there’s probably a few else that would make compelling match-ups.  All of which would be great, but not like soccer.  Think of any matchup of Brazil, Spain, Argentina, Portugal, Germany, France, Italy, and a bunch of other teams.  The quality of possible match-ups are better than any other competition on earth.  Obviously that excludes the always-intriguing SWC (Scrabble World Championships).

Edge- World Cup

2) Party! – Any thing worth celebrating is only as good as the party it can create.  St. Patrick’s Day?  Nothing monumental, other than it’s a day full of binge drinking, which is incredible.  Cinco De Mayo?  I don’t care much for Mexican independence but I do love Corona!  So what I’m saying, if there’s a reason to party, than I am usually down.  So back to our topics, the World Cup is a month and a half long party in which everybody in an entire nation partakes.  The World Series is a week and a half long party (at most) that usually involves the fans of the teams and some die-hard baseball fans.  What’s better?  I’ll go with the World Cup fans personally.  But if you’d like to party with Pedro Gomez and Tim Kurkjian instead of some Brazilian hotties and people with funny accents then you go right ahead.

Edge- World Cup

3) History- I’ll admit, both the Cup and the Series have much more history than the Super Bowl.  History doesn’t necessarily make something that much better, but it certainly does enhance it.  You love watching when history is made.  When a record is broken, when a team does something never done before.  We all do.  It’s one of the best things about sports.  No championship has more history than the World Series.  It’s been around since Washington sailed across the Delaware.  Although back in the day the World Series was originally a race in Virginia to see who could raise the most slaves in any given year, but it has grown into quite a rich tradition.  The World Cup only comes around as often as a trip to the gym, so there aren’t as many opportunities for historic runs and such.  If only they weren’t busy doing millions of Champion League games every year.

Edge- World Series

#4) Actual Games- While I do enjoy a good soccer matchup every now and then, a whole month of them gets kind of old.  I usually only watch USA and England anyways.  I won’t miss a World Series game.  Plus I like watching baseball games more than soccer games.  I know sometimes soccer can be awesome with high scoring and have great goals, but usually it’s like an hour and twenty minutes with one lousy goal that only generated so much excitement because it was the only goal.  You’re feelin’ me.  You love it.

Edge- World Series

#5) Best Wrestler- What is this?  Pretty straightforward actually.  Who is the best wrestler?  Randy Orton, Triple H, Undertaker, Shawn Michaels, Mickey Rourke, John Morrison, Big Show, Batista, or Jericho?

Edge- Edge

#6) Most Likely to Boast One of the Sports Meister’s Favorite Teams- In a curveball topic (get it?) the World Series moves ahead 3-2!!!  My favorite soccer teams are (in order) Ireland, England, and USA.  Two out of the three stink worse than crusty underwear.  Howeva!  My favorite baseball team has won 26 of the other events!

Edge- World Series

#7- This Article is Over- In a journalistic curveball (get it?  Not as funny the second time?  Wasn’t funny the first time you say?) I have decided to award the World Series the winner in a close matchup.  Congratulations America, you are still winning…..

For now…….