Super Bowl Running Diary

For a more refined, edited version of this column, see this Wednesday’s issue of The Stylus. But if you like your SportsMeister articles raw, with no censorship or space limits, then you found the right story!

Super Bowl Running Diary

I kept a running diary during Sunday’s game.

11:32 a.m. — Super Bowl Sunday is here. I smell like the weekend — not a great thing, by the way. But with a cup of coffee and a breath of fresh air, I realize that the holiday has finally come: it’s game-day baby!

1:12 p.m. — But not without some work first, off to the office. Enjoy the SUNYAC standings on page 35, took me like a halfie.

2:35 p.m. — Roommates did a great job of cleaning the house while I was at work, but the conclusion was made that we didn’t have enough furniture for the number of expected guests. Naturally, we decided to move the coffee table against the wall, and put a mattress in the center of the room. Throw in some pillows, some blankets; well, that’s a stew baby!

4:18 p.m. — Just put in the food order, and it was a doozie! Not only did we call in two sheets of ‘za from Mark’s Pizzeria, but we phoned our man Jimmy Z for fifty $.50 wings. The collective excitement in the room was only lost when FOX cued the Maroon 5. What a snoozer. I know it’s early pre-game afternoon warm-ups, but it’s still the Super Bowl mang.

4:47 p.m. — Every year we fill up our white board with really stupid gambling ideas we can bet on the game, and this year is no different. Some of the best from this year’s list: The first player to score’s jersey number (over/under 32.5), Which beer company will have the first commercial, and what song the Black Eyed Peas will open to at halftime. But the best one is the “If Aaron Rodgers has a rushing touchdown, what celebration does he perform? General attitude in the room is feeling his trendy championship belt move, but I think if he sees a group of cheeseheads in the first few rows he’s going to go for the leap into the stands sort of Lambeau-esque.

4:58 p.m. — President Obama and Bill O’Reilly and are having a pretty heated discussion here. At first I was upset that my Super Bowl Sunday pre-game was being interrupted by something as outrageous as the current state of our nation. Then I read that last sentence and realized that it’s probably for the best that FOX is airing this interview instead of more Maroon 5 (Yikes!). My personal favorite part of the interview was this exchange:

O’Reilly: So who do you want to win?
Obama: After my Bears were knocked out, it didn’t matter.
O’Reilly (violently): So you don’t care?!

… We’ll do it live!

Q1 10:54 — (yawning) Oh did the game start?

Q1 4:56 — Between the dropped passes, muffed punt, and sloppy play, we’re in for a real exciting Super Bowl here! But honestly, these players can’t be blamed for being a little jittery in the first quarter; playing in this game is unlike anything many of these players have done, and most Super Bowls do start pretty slow and boring, and it appears that this one is on that path as well. By the way, I’ve switched over from real time to game time. Try to keep up.

Q1 3:44 — Packers score first with a 29-yard strike from Rodgers to Nelson, GB 7 – PIT 0. Although a part of me is excited to see the Packers out to an early lead, the more competitive side in me is disappointed to see I’m a disappointing 0-4 on our gambling board while our leader already has 4 (doh!).

Q1 3:20 — Big Ben throws an interception that gets returned 37 yards by Nick Collins for a touchdown, GB 14 – PIT 0. Certainly not the start that Roethlisberger and the Steelers wanted, but if anybody knows how to creep up on unsuspecting, unwilling defenses, it’s Ben Roethlisberger; the guy is just a natural creeper.

Q1 0:00 — End of the first quarter and our score is still GB 14 – PIT 0. Hopefully the game will be less one-sided as we move forward. Because aside from a few exciting commercials (Doritos were the highlight of the first) it has been a pretty dry first quarter. But remember that Patriots-Giants Super Bowl a few years ago that was really amazing? You do? Awesome, but do you remember the first 3 1/2 quarters of it? Pretty snoozeworthy. Moral of the story; we got to save our energy for the second half.

Q2 11:08 — Finally some points for the Steelers as kicker Shaun Susham nails in a field goal from 33 yards outs. GB 14 – PIT 3

Q2 6:45 — Energy in the room is low.  Could be a result of the matress and pillows in the center of the room, it appears people are getting too comfortable. But alas, a Steelers score would desperately pump some life into my friends who would look more like space cadets on a trip to Mars than a group of football fans watching the most anticipated game of the year. My friend Nicole, decked out in Steelers swag from head-to-toe, looks noticeably disturbed. Perhaps Pittsburgh pulls out some points here late in the half

Q2 2:24 — Jinxed ‘em! Rodgers hits Greg Jennings over the middle for a 21-yard touchdown pass as the Packers go up 21-3 with just two minutes left in the half. Basically, we’re one Roethlisberger-molestation joke away from seeing Nicole’s Steelers face paint be washed away with tears.

Q2 00:39 — I’m great at reverse jinxes! Just as I was typing that the Steelers were falling too far behind, they come out and drive down the field with ease, executing a near-perfect two minute drill capped off with an 8-yard touchdown pass from Roethlisberger to Hines Ward. GB 21 – PIT 10 going into the half. Hey, at least it’s a game, right?

Halftime — Who’s that creepy white guy in the Black Eyed Peas? You know, that guy with the long, slicked black hair, kind of looks like Professor Snape. What’s he bring to the table?

Halftime — It must be Snape! Who else has the magical ability to let their suit-light up whilst simultaneously appearing to be the most awkward person ever on one of the world’s biggest annual stages? That’s the Half-Blood Prince!

Halftime — Disappointed to see Slash, one of the greatest guitarists of all-time, shredding on the axe next to a starving alley cat. It’s just that — wait a second! That’s not a stray cat lurking in an ally! Why — why that’s Fergie!

Halftime — “Buurrrrrriiiightttt baaaaaluuuuuuuuu ssssckuuuuuuiiiighhhhh,” an ally cat wails to the tune of Guns ‘N’ Roses’ “Sweet Child of Mine.”

Halftime— An Usher sighting! This would be more exciting if he wasn’t going to go down in history as the “guy who discovered Justin Bieber.” I wish I was kidding, I like Usher.

Halftime — Grades of the performance; Singing (C-), Dancing (B), Lights & Effects (A); overall, a solid (B-) from the Black Eyed Peas. It wasn’t great, but it was some much needed life that the Super Bowl halftime show. It’s just blatantly obvious at this point that the Black Eyed Peas should limit their live performances. The alley cat formerly known as Fergie really needs to just stay in a studio and off of a stage.

Halftime — And yes, I’ve just realized I’ve analyzed the halftime show 10x more critically than any of the plays or drives in the first half. Moving on…

Q3 12:54 — Packers receiver James Jones runs an extended slant that has the ball bounce right off his fingertips. The drop is especially disappointing for Packers fans as he appeared to have plenty of space to run had he caught the ball. In fact, announcer Troy Aikman said, “He… he had a real chance to score there …. (pause) ….. He could have made a big play.” Troy Aikman is proof of the concussion problem in the NFL.

Q3 12:39 — A curious commercial combination that featured Ozzy Osbourne and Justin Bieber in which the punch-line was when Bieber held up a phone and said “Now Bieber Fever on 6G.” Then it cut to Sharon Osbourne asking, “What’s 6G?” and Ozzy asking, “What’s a Bieber?” And if you thought that was hilarious…. wait for it….. Bieber, disguised as a custodian behind Ozzy, added “Not sure, kind of looks like a girl though.” I have a (Bieber) Fever! And the only prescription is more cowbell!

Q3 10:19 — A great block by stereotypical looking lineman No. 1 that allowed Steelers’ running back Rashard Mendenhall to pound it in from eight yards for a rushing touchdown. GB 21 – PIT 17. A four point game with a quarter and 1/2 left? That’s a stew baby!

Q3 10:19 – Commercial for the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Basically it appears we don’t know anything other than Johnny Depp is back, acting a fool, as everybody’s favorite rum-swilling pirate. Do we really need to know anything else about it?

Q3 8:03 — Steelers got the ball back, and it’s 3rd and short. But what’s a bigger concern for Packers fans is that cornerback Charles Woodson is yet to return to the game after hurting his shoulder at the end of the first half. Woodson is an emotional leader on the defense as one of the season veterans, but more importantly, he’s their lock-down corner guy. With him out of the game, the passing lanes could definitely open up for Big Ben and the Steelers.

Q3 6:42 — This Steelers drive is dragging on and it appears the collective energy in the room has reverted to 1st quarter sleep mode.

Q3 4:29 — Steelers Sulsham kicker tries a 52-yard field goal that is way off the mark. My only question afterwards is who on earth could have done worse on that attempt. My short list includes Ellsworth, Steven Hawking, and Larry the Cable Guy

Q3 4:29 — Is Eminem planning on being a public representative of Detroit now, or is he just running out of money and looking for a quick buck? He would have told Chrysler to f*ck themselves if they offered him that commercial idea in 2002.

Q3 2:26 — You can hear the disdain in his voice when Joe Buck tries to pitch Glee in between plays. You can tell her really, really doesn’t want to do that.

Q3 00:37 — The Packers haven’t moved the ball well since their third touchdown midway through the second quarter. Something tells me that Mike Tomlin put in some serious half-time adjustments for the Steelers. They’ve been lights out this quarter.

Q3 00:00 — Blame Friday Night Lights if you want, but I know you still hold up four fingers every time you watch a game enter the fourth quarter. *FOOOURRRRRR

Q4 15:00 — Getting those 4th quarter Super Bowl jitters! GB 21 – PIT 17. We’re at a point where it’s not even cliche to say “Anything could happen!”

Q4 11:57 — I continually jinx the idea of a tightly contested game. Rodgers just hit Jennings for an 8-yard touchdown pass, his third of the game. GB leads 28-17. Good thing Pittsburgh has a quarterback known for creeping up on people right when they least expect it.

Q4 7:34 — Told you Big Ben could creep! He just slung a 25-yard pass to Mike Wallace that capped off a much-needed successful Steelers drive. To further signify the Steelers’ satisfying scoring surplus was the successfully converted 2-point conversion. GB 28 – PIT 25. Three point game with less than eight minutes left? Do you know what that is? That’s a stew baby!

Q4 2:35 — Great drive by the Packers here late in the second half. Right after the Steelers narrow their lead to three points, Green Bay moves the ball methodically down the field, killing over five minutes in the process.

Q4 2:09 — And you know I jinx everything. I typed “Great drive by the Packers” and then they fail to convert on third down. Kicker Mason Crosby knocks in a 23-yard field goal to give the Packers a 31-25 lead just before the two minute warning. Unfortunately I think I’ve exhausted all the Ben Roethlisberger creeper jokes that I wanted to make.

Q4 2:00 — Two minute warning! Which QB is going to be this year’s hero and who is going to be the Goat? Roethlisberger has been here before, and he looked OK as he threw that 15-yard pass to Heath Miller to give Pittsburgh fans some hope. Remember Steelers Nicole? She’s shaking.

Q4 1:10 — After a short 5-yard pass to Ward, Roethlisberger goes deep right for an incomplete pass. It’s 3rd and 5, but the Steelers got to go a lot further than five yards.

Q4 0:59 — Another incomplete….. 4th and 5 for the Steelers. If they don’t convert this, the Packers will be crowned champions….

Q4 0:55 — Roethlisberger drops back!

Q4 0:54 — Looks right!

Q4 0:52 — Looks left!

Q4 0:51 — He’s got Wallace on the near side!

Q4 0:50 — Roethlisberger lets it fly!

Q4 0:49 — (Long exaggerated breath as the ball is in the air)

Q4 0:48 — Broken up! Incomplete! Packers win! Packers win! The Green Bay Packers are your Super Bowl champions!

Postgame thoughts — Glad to see Aaron Rodgers win a championship. I don’t feel bad for the Steelers or Steelers fans, you’ve won enough in the past few years. Rodgers patiently waited behind Favre for his opportunity, and he owned it — throwing for 304 yards and 3 touchdowns, earning MVP honors in the process. Roethlisberger was an acceptable 25-40 with 263 yards and two touchdowns, but the two early interceptions gave the Steelers a deficit 21-3 that was too great to overcome. My question after the game: How similar was this year’s Super Bowl to last years?
Know what I mean? Two great QB’s, and the one that outplayed the other hoisted the trophy. Right down to the dramatic last minute where one of the great QB’s failed to come through as we’ve come to expect them to. Curious. But for now, the NFL season is in the books and the Packers are once again on top of the pecking order.

Super Bowl party!

My column which appears here, and in The Stylus for the 2/2/10 edition…

The Super Bowl is always exciting for me. Shocker, I know. But in the same way as when you get too excited for a date, or a party, and it doesn’t quite meet up to your expectations. You feel let down, upset, disappointed at the opportunities lost and what could have been.

That was Super Bowl XL. When the Steelers defeated the Seahawks 21-10 in what many fans called, “the most boring f*cking game I’ve ever seen.” Nobody enjoyed that Super Bowl. Bill Cowher’s mustache didn’t even enjoy that game. Steelers’ quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was a putrid 9-21 for 123 yards with two interceptions and no touchdowns. And he won.

Aside from one great ad with Kermit the Frog singing “It’s Not Easy Being Green” for a Ford Escape Hybrid, the commercials that year were abysmal. And I love the Rolling Stones, I really do, but those old dogs were as lively as your left shoe. Super Bowl XL will forever be labeled a “snoozer.”

On the opposite side of the spectrum was Super Bowl XLII when Eli Manning and the Little Giants, I mean New York Giants, upset the previously undefeated New England Patriots. Watching Eli’s face as they were driving down the field for the win was funnier than any commercial that year. It was like he wasn’t even controlling his body and he couldn’t understand how he was able pull a miracle off like he did. Basically, he looked like a little kid who actually got to chill with Santa Claus. Side note: Tom Brady’s face during that drive is equally as amusing.

So, even though every year there is an actual winner or loser in the game, each Super Bowl as a whole event is remembered as either a winner or a loser in itself. Will this year’s match-up of the Steelers and the Packers go down in history as one of the greatest of all time? Or will it go on the shelf with all the other stinkers? In order for this to be as enjoyable as possible, the Super Bowl has to hit on three key points, and one of them is actually up to you.

1. The Game – Whether you’re a football fan or not, the game is first and foremost. All of the positive energy experienced with a Super Bowl is directly reflective of how tightly contested the game is. People want to see moments like John Elway upsetting the Packers in Super Bowl XXXII, whether they have a preference for either team or not.

And it should be a great one. Aaron Rodgers and the Pack-Attack taking on Ben Roethlisberger, and the rest of Steel-town. James Harrison’s going to be crunching dudes, Charles Woodson and Troy Polamalu are going to be flying around and there’s the head coaching battle: Mike Tomlin vs. Mike McCarthy square off in the battle of, “Who’s the best coach named Mike?” The game itself has a lot of potential.

2. The Entertainment – The glitz, the glamour. The stars and the red carpets. The live shows and parties. The Super Bowl is so much more than just another football game. And if you honestly disagree with that statement, you should really consider asking yourself why you’re this far into a column strictly pertaining to what you think is, “just another game.” The Super Bowl is much more than that.

The Black Eyed Peas were a good choice for the halftime show. I’m not super into them, – just not my cup of tea – but they have enough radio jams and their songs have a lot of energy, which is a welcome shift for the youth of America.

The last six halftime shows, in order, were The Who, Bruce Springsteen, Tom Petty, Prince, The Stones and Paul McCartney. Sounds really amazing if it were ’86.

The atmosphere should be great. The Dallas Cowboys’ new stadium is the perfect venue for the Super Bowl, and you know owner Jerry Jones will do everything he can to put on a show for the world to see.

3. Your Experience – Pick the right group of people to watch the game with. If you casually want to catch most of the action and the majority of the commercials, then watch the game with a couple of friends at somebody’s house. Add some background music; have a good time with it. Remember, the Super Bowl is more than a game, so enjoy the night however you most want to.

That said, most people who tune in to the Super Bowl are going to complain if they miss one play, one funny commercial or one Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction (DOH!). So if you’re trying to catch every little detail – from the coin toss to the post-game trophy handout – then you should watch the game with your die-hard sports fan buddies. But not the guy who thinks he’s hilarious and cracks joke after joke and gets nothing but crickets and crickets. Don’t invite that guy, he sucks.

Brad Childress lobying for Cowboys job

Satire/11.12.10

By Matt Driffill

 

With half of his locker room seemingly uniting against him, Vikings head coach Brad Childress has made it public that he’s ready to move on from Minnesota.

"Chilly thinks his time in Minnesota is up. Chilly likes to speak in third person now, and Chilly likes the nickname 'Chilly'"

“I’m not fool. I know when a situation is working and when a situation isn’t working,” Childress said. “This situation isn’t working.”

Childress has been the head coach for the Vikings since 2006 and has several playoff appearances with them on his resume. But with as talented as a roster as the Vikings has had since Childress has been calling the shots, they’ve failed to advance to a a Super Bowl. And after a disappointing 2-5 start to 2010, it appears that he’s already looking for other job opportunities.

“You don’t need to be at the end of your contract to be considered a ‘lame-duck’ coach,” Childress joked. “My body of work here in Minnesota is no-good. It’s time for me to roll up my sleeves and look elsewhere.”

Several Vikings players have stepped forward, anonymously, to acknowledge how much they don’t care for their head coach.

“He’s a f*ckin’ dick,” said a Vikings player. “He really doesn’t do shit but watch CSI in his office all day.”

“I just wish he’d run the ball more,” said another Vikings player. “I mean I’m… I mean… We have one of the best running backs in football and all we do is throw the ball. Let me… I mean…. our running back … get some touches in crunch time.”

One player wasn’t afraid to give up his name when talking negatively about his coach. He said it’s because, “He doesn’t giev a f*ck about the Vikings.”

“He’s just not a good football coach,” quarterback Brett Favre said. “He’s good at some things …. Like CSI trivia…. and….. Uhhh….. he has a great Pee-Wee Herman impersonation. But he’s not very good at handling a football team.

Even Randy Moss — who was recently traded to the Vikings and then released shortly thereafter — had bad things to say about Childress.

“The guy is inept,” Moss said, donning his new Titans jersey. “You give that guy one of the most talented rosters in the league and what does he do? He goes and f*cks it up. He motivates players to want to struggle in hopes that he gets fired. F*ckin’ guy is ridiculous mang.”

"I don't wanna say anything bad now, but that guy... he was a ..."

Childress says he has no hard feelings about the future departure with the Vikings and thinks the split will be best for him, his family, the Vikings organization and the state of Minnesota as a whole.

“Let’s be realistic, I’m not the type of coach that handles Super Bowl expectations very well,” Childress said. “I don’t handle any kind of expectations well. Ask my wife about or sex life, she’ll tell you. I live to disappoint.

“That’s why I’m excited about applying for the Cowboys job,” he added. “They continually have high expectations, but since they always disappoint, I already know what’s expected. Yup, Dallas is the city for me.”

NFL Picks Week 10

Got an hour or two on this lovely Thursday in Brockport, NY, So why not look like a jackass to you all by picking every NFL game wrong like every other week I try.  Ladies and gentleman (Probably not too many ladies on this site) your Week 10 picks….

(Hometeams in bold)

Baltimore (+1) over Atlanta

Gotta figure that a home team on Thursday night is gonna have a crowd that’s amped up. That helps the Falcons alot, but maybe more helpful to Atlanta is how good they actually are. After a disppointing season last year where they missed they playoffs, I think people sort of forgot about this team. Now they’re one of the best teams in the NFC.

That said, I like the Ravens in this one. I think we’re yet to see this team’s peak. In these next few weeks I think Joey Brows and Ray Fried Rice are going to show the league why the Ravens should be Super Bowl Champs.

Pick: Ravens 27, Falcons 17

Minnesota (-1) over Chicago

"... Or my 23 district titles ...."

Have the Vikings found their edge? Has the team come together in support of hating Brad Childress? This story is really more amazing than you know.

Childress is like Varsity Blue’s coach Bud Kilmer — except without 23 district titles. Everybody hates him, but the team is so talented they can get by with horrible chemistry and tension in the locker room. But once they start turning on him, and Chilly leaves at halftime of the state championship, than the team can really reach it’s full potential.

Also, they’ll need a 5-star recruit —preferably somebody who looks like Paul Walker — to step in as coach for the final half.

Pick: West Canyon Coyotes 27, Bears 24

 

Indianapolis (-7) over Cincinnati

7 points is never a gimme in the NFL. But Peyton Manning at home against a team that blows? Just about a gimme.

Pick: Colts 31, Bengals 21

New York Jets (-3) over Cleveland

"We're gonna be best friends....FOREVER!!!!!"

Cleveland has already chewed up the Saints and spit out the Patriots this season. Will the Jets be the next-preseason Super Bowl favorite

that the Browns defeat?!

Probably not.

Pick: Jets 24, Browns 9

Houston (+1.5) over Jacksonville

The Texans started strong and have faltered in their last few games. As usual with this team, they are right on the cusp of the postseason but, like every other year, will likely finish just outside of the top-6. It happens every year with them.

However, if they even want to get into the mix this season they’ll have to dispose of the Jaguars who have been sneaky good through the first half of the season. Winner of this game has an outside shot of the wild-card, and the loser can probably start talkin’ to Todd McShay about possible draft picks.

Pick: Texans 23, Jaguars 10

Miami (+2) over Tennessee

These team’s rating are probably pretty similar in Madden, so I went with conventional wisdom and chose the home team who’s getting points, right? That makes sense. Even if NoodleArm Supreme Chad Pennington is starting for the Dolphins. Doesn’t matter if he can’t throw the long ball, he threw the best 5-yard ins, and 8-yard curls in Marshall history!

Or the reason I’m taking this Fins team is because I recently added Ronnie Brown to my fantasy team. He’s the sparkplug the Smush Captains have been waiting for all year. This week against The Dirty Wizards, the Smush Captains will make their STAANNNND!!!!!!

Pick: Dolphins 19, Titans 17

Buffalo (+2.5) over Detroit

"Yeah you see that? Right there? That's not good, right? Just tell me I don't have to play, please?"

 

THIS IS IT!!! NOBODY CIRCLES THE BANDWAGONS LIKE THE BUFFALO BILLS!!!!!

Pick: Bills 3, Lions 0

 

Tampa Bay (+6.5) over Carolina

The Buccaneers have been my dudes this season. Josh Freeman and Coach Raheem Morris have done a great job of turning this godforsaken team around in just two years. They’ll probably be a couple games out of the playoffs by season’s end (hurts that the Falcons and Saints are in the same division), but the improvement over one year is substantial and it’s apparent that this team is going to be a contender in the next few years.

Pick: Bucs 20, Panthers 13

St. Louis (+6) over San Francisco

I think the 49ers will probably pull this one out, but I like the Rams to cover. Coach Steve Spagnola has done a tremendous job of transforming a door mat defense into a unit that routinely makes big plays and stops. He brought his system over from the Giants and his guys are  bying into it.

On offense it appears that Sam Bradford is the favorite for offensive rookie of the year. For a first year player on a team that was far and away the worst in the league last year, he’s done amazing. Is he the next Peyton Manning?

Pick: 49ers 20, Rams 17

Denver (+1) over Kansas City

"Is coach gonna ever let me throw the ball?"

NOBODY COMES IN TO MILE HIGH AND DEFEATS THE BRONCOS!!!!!! HERE WE GO BRONCOS HERE WE GO!!!! HERE WE GO BRONCOS HERE WE GO!!!!!

Pick: BRONCOS 78, Chiefs 22

Dallas (+13.5) over New York Giants

This game in the Meadowlands is probably going to have a bigger blowout than Pauly-D. I’m just hoping that the Cowboys play their hearts out in favor of Jason Garrett who’s been the coach-in-waiting for what seems like forever. Jerry Jones has made it public how much he wanted Garrett to stay on staff, and here’s his chance.

And you can be damn sure that everybody in Dallas knows how much Jones likes Garrett and how if they don’t play up to the level that they think they can (just used “they” three times in one sentence) then they (+1!!!) will get cut/releaseed/fired/traded/punched.

Pick: Giants 35, Cowboys 24

New England (+4.5) over Pittsburgh

Serious potential to be our AFC Championship preview.

"Yo Carson, you have really pretty eyes bro."

But that’s a pretty vague statement that any given writer can say about any given match up on any given week. Jets vs Ravens, AFC Championship preview! Patriots vs Steelers, AFC Championship Preview! Colts vs Ravens, AFC Championship Preview! Jets vs Steelers, AFC Championship Preview! Patriots vs Ravens, AFC Championship Preview!

And that’s without exaggerated teams like the Chargers, Titans, and obviously, the Broncos.

Pick: Patriots 27, Steelers 24

Philadelphia (-3) over Washington

WHEWWWW!!!! So excited to Michael Vick on Monday night!!! So much cooler than any subplot with some old quarterback playing against his former team that had recently traded him to a division rival like he was Gus Ferrotte or something.

Orrrrrrr, I don’t get to watch MNF because my fuckin’ job. SHIIIIIIIT

Pick: Eagles 38, Redskins 20

David Akers thanking the big man upstairs for helping him on that one.

NFL Picks Week 7

I haven’t done an NFL picks column since last season (Curse you actual writing job) but I found a moment on this lovely Wednesday and would be delighted to take a look at the early lines for this week’s NFL Action. Whatt’ya say gang, shall we?

Pittsburgh @ Miami (+3)

Big Ben’s debut, not too shabby. Granted it was against Colt McCoy and the Browns, but it appears that he didn’t miss a beat during his four-game suspension. This week he takes his talents — and his Harley — to South Beach to take on the Dolphins. Unfortunately for Chad Henne, and the rest of the SeaCritters, Pittsburgh’s D is out to hurt people.

Pick: Steelers

Cincinnati @ Atlanta (-3.5)

This game will be a ton of fun to watch!!!! If you can’t sense sarcasm in text by now, come on man. This game is going to be boring as a Seahawks game. Carson Palmer is, as Broadway Joe would put it, “Strug-a-ling” and until he picks his game up they’re going to be labeled as a stinker for 2010.

Pick: Falcons

Jacksonville @ Kansas City (-10)

Good thing for Maurice Jones-Drew, he went to UCLA. So when the Jaguars move to L.A. in a few years, he’ll already know his way around the busy streets of L.A.

Pick: LA Mojo

Philadelphia @ Tennessee (-3)

Jeff Fisher vs Andy Reid. Two of the mustache greats, but one of the most bitter rivalries in the NFL. You didn’t know about their old college days? Oh yeah, some really serious shit went down. I can’t post it on the internet, but just know it involved a half-keg, a strip-club and a level 70 Paladin from World of Warcraft.

Pick: Philly Cheese Steak

Washington @ Chicago (-3)

Another bitter rivalry! Mike Shanahan vs Jay Cutler! The former Broncos coach against the former No. 1 draft pick. Oh, you say they’re not rivals? That Cutler was traded after Shanahan’s firing, so they’re not really foes? Damn. There goes that angle. I’d still bet they both hate McDaniels & Tebow though.

Pick: Washington “Politically incorrect team name”s

Cleveland @ New Orleans (-13)

Another snoozer. Remember last week against the Bucs when Drew Brees tore the defense apart. They looked like last year’s team. That probably doesn’t bode well for the Browns. Colt McCoy’s arm is too noodly to beat a Big-12 team let alone the defending NFL Champions.

Pick: Browns to cover, Saints win.

Buffalo @ Baltimore (-13)

Tough news sports fans in upstate New York, games on the road can’t get blacked out. That’s right, we get to watch the Bills get trounced by one of the league’s best….. again. As a psuedo member of Bills’ nation, I’ll take it if they cover the 13 points. I’ll chalk it down as the Bills’ first win of the year.

Pick: AYYYAAAA AYYYYY AYYYYYYY (Bills to cover, Ravens win)

 

I got class. Must zoom through these! (home teams in bold)

San Francisco (-3) over  Carolina

St. Louis (+3) over Tampa Bay

Arizona (+5.5) over Seattle

New England (-2.5) over San Diego

Oakland (+8) over Denver(Not to win, HERE WE GO BRONCOS, HERE WE GO!!!!)

Green Bay (-2.5) over Minnesota

Dallas (+3) over NY Giants

Big Ben Excited to Return

Satire, 10.14.10, Matt Driffill

After serving his four game suspension, Steeler’s QB Ben Roethlisbruger returns to the starting line up this week against their division rival, the Cleveland Browns.

“It’s really exciting to be back again,” the two-time Super Bowl champion said. “You thought I was creepin’ on girls before? That was nothin’ compared to what I’ve been up too lately.”

Roethlisberger touched on a number of issues in a press conference Thursday. Topics ranging from getting girls, creeping on girls, and how many girls he’ll get after Sunday.

“Nobody gets the ladies like the starting quarterback of Steel-Town,” he said. “Even Charlie Batch was having girls throw their panties at him. I was all like, ‘Whoa Charlie! You ol’ dog!’ Then I shoved the panties down his throat. Fuckin’ hilarious.”

Roethlisburger also spoke publicly about being accused of sexually assaulting a 20-year old college student from Georgia earlier this year.

“That c*nt wasn’t assaulted,” he said. “If she consented then I would have assaulted her with my Big Ben if you know what I mean.”

Roethlisbruger insists that the female was merely after his money.

“She was either after my coin, my Harley Davidson, or my leather jacket,” he said. “I know a Steel-town gold digger when I see one. But nobody touches Big Ben’s leather. Nobody.”

 

 

Jerk Reactions: Halladay No-No, Moss back to Vikings, Mariano Rivera

–Roy Halladay’s no-no yesterday was more historic than anybody could know. In his first year with a real World Series contender, he performed well enough every start to be the landslide favorite for the NL Cy Young for the first season in the league.

Doc has been arguably the best pitcher of the 2000’s (is that what we call it?) putting up great #’s in the AL East for his whole career. People assumed that when he jumped ship to the NL, his performance would only improve. Well, we were right. He’s showing everybody that he’s as gifted as a pitcher as anybody who takes the mound.

With Halladay at the front of the rotation for the Philles, they have to be the favorite in the NL and perhaps the whole postseason. As a Yankees fan, you know they’re the last team I want to see in the World Series, and he’s the reason.

–Randy Moss was traded back to the Vikings for some lowly draft picks. No big surprise, the Patriots always trade great veterans who are looking for contract extensions. That’s how they stay competitive year in and year out. Did they make out good on the Randy Moss deal? Not on paper. But you can be sure that Tate, Edelman, or whomever fills Moss’ shoes will be productive. And if they aren’t, you can be sure that BB will find somebody who will be. We should just accept everything the Patriots do because it tends to work out for them.

But the Vikings…. They made out on this deal, yesssirrrr!!! Rice comes back in a few weeks, which will give them a receiving core of Randy Moss, Sydney Rice, Percy Harvin, Bernard Berrian, and Visanthe Shianchoe. That group, coupled with AP gives them the best offense in the NFL.

Of course, any offense is only as good as their quarterback. If Favre can get into a rhythm (which he should. He missed the pre-season, but has played three full games now and had a bye week. Oh yeah, and he has one of the top 3 receivers of all-time now) then the Vikings, on paper at least, look like they are as much as a SB contender as anybody else.

I love that Moss is wearing #84 again too. Can’t wait to see him Monday night against the Jets for the second time this season.

–Lastly, just a shout to Mariano Rivera. Yankees won last night, 6-4 in their ALDS opener against the Twins, and Mo came in for another 4-out save. People talk about it all the time, but when we have the privilege to watch somebody who is the greatest of all time, it’s always a treat.