Update 10/15/09

Sports Meister

Update (10/15/09)

NFL Week 6

Matt Driffill

Don’t worry, don’t worry.  I’m not going to talk all about how amazing the Broncos are.  I don’t want to jinx it.  My reverse jinx of saying that they sucked so bad all during the offseason is finally paying off and I don’t feel like reversing the trend anytime soon.

However there are some teams I will talk about.  10 teams actually.  Then I will get to the picks, which I have been OWNING for three weeks now.  But we’ll get to all that a little later.  For now, I have to grind out my gears on ten teams in the National Football League that have confused me, intrigued, aggravated me, and amused me.

(In no particular order)

1)  Buffalo Bills (Amused/Aggravated)

There’s not much left to say that my readers don’t already know.  Their game on Sunday against the Browns was some of the most pathetic football I’ve ever seen in my life.  On any level.  My Pop Warner team once won a game 2-0 in what was the only game I’ve ever seen that was worse.  Neither team deserved to win, but Cleveland did as the usually sound Bills special teams blew their second game of the season (this week it was Roscoe’s muff, and in week 1 it was McKelvin’s fumble).

Something needs to go down with this team and it starts with the coach.  Most people are calling for Jauron’s head while the others say there’s nobody more capable on the current staff.  I understand both arguments, and firing a coach will rarely equate to success for the rest of the season, but it certainly can.  Look at the 49ers last season when they fired Mike Nolan and named Mike Singletary their interim head coach.  Well, he did great and still is doing great as the 49ers are enjoying as successful as a season as they have had this decade so far.

Is there a Mike Singletary like coach on the Bills staff?  Probably not.  My older brother has said a few times that the Bills should fire Jauron, and just promote special teams coach Bobby April to head coach for the duration of the year.

I am for this idea as a pseudo Bills fan.  Anything but Jauron.  I wrote in the beginning of the year that he was the definition of mediocrity.  From his corpse-like face, to his ultra-conservative coaching style, to his sexual reproductive organ.  There is nothing great about him, and as the coach of the Bills, the fine people of Buffalo can expect nothing great from their beloved team.  Jauron has to go.

2) Oakland Raiders (Amused/Intrigued)

How could any franchise suck so bad?  This week my brother Dan wrote an article asking if the Bills were in fact the worst organization in football (http://dandriffill.com/2009/10/13/is-buffalo-the-nfls-worst-franchise/), but they’re not.  That title belongs to one team and one team only.  The Oakland Raiders.  A team that will likely hold that title for years to come as long as Al Davis is in charge.

They are so dysfunctional, and so awful every year I swear that this franchise could be the basic outline for a hysterical Will Ferrell movie.  They have high draft picks every year that never pan out (Robert Gallery, Darren McFadden, Jamarcus Russell, and the most hilarious Darius Heyward-Bey).  They go through coaches like World of Warcraft players go through Hot Pockets, and now they have a coach that almost killed an assistant.

I know Al Davis likes intensity, but that’s a little much isn’t it?

I thought the Raiders were going to go 3-13, but after almost upsetting the Chargers, than beating the Chiefs I thought they’d have a fight at .500.  Wrong!  So Wrong!  They’ll be lucky to get to three with Jamarcus Russell running the team.  He might go down in history as the most disappointing 1^st overall pick ever.

3) Detroit Lions (Intrigued)

Can’t help but say I am somewhat rooting for the Lions a little bit every game.  That city has struggled enough forever.  Even when Barry Sanders was there, the best running back of all-time, they only managed one playoff appearance.  They deserve some good fortunes in the Motor City.

And it appears they may be heading that way.  The young nucleus of Stafford, Johnson, and Smith look like they are for real.  They have competed in almost every game against some tough opponents.  Coach Gym Shorts has them playing every game competitively.  Even last week when they squared off  against the Steelers they only lost by a touchdown despite being way overmatched.

They are on to something in Detroit, and if they get good in a few years we could be looking at a very exciting division.

4) Cincinnati Bengals (Annoyed/Intrigued)

I feel great about the Broncos being 5-0, but it is still flawed.  While the Denver record remains unblemished, there is another team that deserves to be 5-0, but isn’t.  The Bengals of course only have one loss and it was on the immaculate deflection against the Ponies in week 1.

It’s not like they have beaten up on cupcakes either.  The Steelers, Packers, and Ravens are all quality victories for any team, and they still really aren’t getting the respect they truly deserve.

And that’s what annoys me.  I don’t like these ass-clowns coming out of nowhere trying to run the league.  It’s not cool Cincinnati.  You guys lost your luster like four years ago and then everybody just got sick of you.  Back off and slip back into the top 10 picks of the draft where you belong.

5) Jacksonville Jaguars (Annoyed)

I will never ever root for the faguars again.  After making me look like a fool for thinking they might be good this year (they start out 0-2), they try to get me back on the sauce (2 straight wins versus divisional foes).  Then at 2-2 I had some legitimate confidence in them.  Then when I think they might be good, they go out and get blown away by the Seahawks?  I even picked up their defense for my fantasy league last week because my Packers D was on a bye.

They put up a whopping -3 points for me in what couldn’t be described as a “pathetic effort.”  I won’t dig Dallas a grave for my preseason predictions just yet, but the Jaguars have been buried.  And not even ruthlessly buried alive.  Buried dead.  Deader than Gerrard’s chances of starting over Tebow next season.  Deader than the push caused up front from their front four on defense.  Deader than Hugh Heffner’s tool without Viagra.  Dead.  You hear me?  Dead.

6) Miami Dolphins (Amused/Intrigued)

Michael Wilbon said on PTI this week that the Dolphins were the most exciting team in the NFL to watch.  Of course you have to take this comment with a grain of salt because the week before that he said the Saints were, and the week before that he said the Colts were.  So, yeah I don’t even know why I’m writing about this.

Maybe they’re not the most exciting team in the league, but they have to rank near the top.  They are running the wildcat even more than they did last year.  Watching Ronnie Brown take snaps and gain 5, 6, 7 yards over and over and over again almost makes me want to laugh.  Is their offensive line that good?  There’s only a 1% chance he’s going to throw the ball.  I just don’t know how defenses haven’t been able to stop it by now.

Add that with the newfound passing attack led by Michigan alum Chad Henne, and all of a sudden the Miami Intimidating Helmet Logos are boasting one of the league’s most explosive offense.  Fasano is a tight end who can contribute, and the Bass, and Ginn Jr are aren’t the best ball catchers but are as dynamic as anyone with the ball in their hands.  And Ricky Williams is still doing it.  I thought the Dolphins were going to be really bad this year.  Now I’m thinking wild card for the AFC.

7) San Francisco 49ers (Intrigued)

I have written that I am high on the Niners this year.  I want them to succeed as much as anyone in the BALCO area.  What I am not sure of is how good they actually are.

3-2 is a solid record and they should only improve as Gore comes back from an injury and Crabtree gets worked into the offense, but their only quality win was against the defending NFC Champion Cardinals in week 1.  Even that was when the Cardinals seemed either to be content or just in a funk, but regardless they weren’t the same Cardinal team.

They lost a close one to the Vikings, and were blown out by the Falcons at home.  I want them to be really good, and I think they can be.  I just wouldn’t bet too much money on them yet.

8) Chicago Bears (Annoyed)

How could I not be annoyed?  They have only lost one game, and it was a really close one in Lambeau.  The Bears are one of my least favorite teams, and they boast easily my most hated player.  The thing that really sucks ass?  If they were only a little worse, everybody would be talking about how good Denver is, and how Orton is a winner, and how Cutler is overrated.  I’d love that.

But I’m getting none of that.  Since that first week, Cutler has looked like what he really is, one of the best quarterbacks in the entire league.  And I am hating it for every breath.  Just a question, as an early sportsgasm moment, what if Kyle Orton and the Broncos beat Cutler and the Bears in the Super Bowl?  Would any championship mean more to a city?

Yeah, I know a huge majority of my readers hail from upstate New York, so I already know what everybody’s thinking.

But a quarterback wanting out, calling out the fans, gets traded, then both teams are successful, except instead of the top draft pick rocket arm quarterback, it’s the shaggy loser who is the MVP of drunkathlete.com

A truly magical story that I could only wish to come true.

9) Minnesota Vikings (Amused/Annoyed)

Pretty obvious if you ever read my columns.  I love Peterson, the defense, and the explosive ex-Gator Percy Harvin.  But there are few people on earth who I dislike as much as I dislike Brett Favre.  That smug pile of shit has completed tossed garbage all over Green Bay.  If Elway ever came back to play for the Raiders, my 10 year old self would have contemplated suicide.

Except I would have been lucky because the Raiders always suck.  Favre left the beloved franchise of Green Bay to a division rival who only needed a capable quarterback to be amongst the league’s elite teams.  Well they got the quarterback and now they sit on top of the pretty deep NFC North at 5-0.

And the real worst part is that he is actually leading the team.  Peterson is second in the league in rushing yards which is far under somebody who is as talented as he is should be.  Favre is taking carries away from him, but in the process making them a more complete, and a much more dangerous team.  I hate him, I hate his guts.  But in my opinion, behind the Giants, the Vikings are the second best team in the NFC whether I hate him or not.

10) Shmenver Floncos (Amused/Spazzed/Love)

I won’t jinx a certain team out in the AFC West that happens to be 5-0.  No, that wouldn’t be sensible.  But the Floncos look like the real deal and nobody in the world could have expected them to be where they are.  Nobody.

How could anybody have expected Chorton and the Floncos to have come this far?  After one of the most tumultuous offseasons for any team in recent history, the Floncos battled adversity, young coaching, and overall lack of talent and have strung together 3 quality wins, and 2 “we’ll take ‘em” wins.

After 2-0, 3-0, and 4-0 I didn’t think this team would have what it takes to win the division and ultimately compete in the playoffs, but after beating one of the league’s best teams last week, I am excited.  Too excited.  I know I am going to be letdown, but after hating my team all offseason, it’s finally nice to be excited about them again.

And now onto the picks….

Last Week (9-5-0)

Season (41-31-0)

Home teams in bold…

Washington (-6) over Kansas City

This is boring.  I’m surprised if you’re reading this far in with these two shitty teams.  I pick Washington because they’re at home and they players are playing to keep their coach.  They even asked for an endorsement from management (that has yet to be given).  All the Redskins love Zorn and if they want to keep him around they should probably win the games they are supposed to win.  Er hum….Kansas City.

Houston (+5) over Cincinnati

I could begin to explain my reasoning for this pick, but I feel like I’d be backtracking with you.  How to explain one of the most inconsistent teams in the league going on the road and beating the Bengals who are playing as well as anyone?  There’s really no way to explain it.  Just one of those old fashioned feelings when ya know it’s special.  I like Houston 27 and the Bengals 24 in what is a somewhat surprisingly exciting game.

Pittsburgh (-14) over Cleveland

These double digit lines are scary.  Especially when the Steelers didn’t cover last week against Detroit!  But Cleveland sucks.  Even after beating the Bills in Buffalo last week, I am still convinced that they are only better than the Bills and Rams, and maybe the Bucs.  I just can’t confidently pick Cleveland to lose by less than 14.  With that reasoning, it should be easy for me to say I see the Steelers winning by at least 14, but I’m not sure if I see that either.  All I know is, my fantasy team has the swine flu, and the only vaccine is more Heath Miller baby yeah!

Minnesota (-3) over Baltimore

Some good games this week!  In this AFC vs NFC matchup we see two of the league’s most aggressive defense and some of the league’s best young QB’s!  Wait, nevermind.  We see an old douchebag who will never hang up the cleats until his arm falls off or his records are untouchable by the one and only Peyton Manning.  I like Minnesota in this one because they are that much better when they’re in the dome, and Peterson hasn’t had one of those “damn” weeks yet.  I think the Vikings are going to exploit the Ravens defense in ways that they haven’t been exploited this decade.  I like the Vikings big.

St. Louis (+9.5) over Jacksonville

I feel like an ass for picking St. Louis to cover a single digit spread, but I went on my Faguars rant earlier and I have to stick to my guns no matter what.  Is this the week we see a big game out of Stephen Jackson?  No, probably not.  Their offensive line is amongst the league’s worst and their passing game is even shabbier.  There is no where for Jackson to run ever.  To think he could have been a Bronco…… Whatever.  Rams, 17-14

NY Giants (+3) over New Orleans

I was pretty much taking the underdog in this game all the way.  I think the Giants are a little better and more of a complete team, but the Saints are lethal at home.  I pretty much figured that whoever was getting points was who I was going to put my internet money on.  Should be a really fun game to watch, and after it we will likely know who is the best team in the NFC.

Carolina (-3) over Tampa Bay

Just whatever?  Carolina by 6?  Tampa Bay isn’t very good.  Carolina isn’t very good.  The transitive property of geometry suggests that this game shouldn’t be very good.  But with out luck it will likely squirm it’s way on to FOX in this area and we will be stuck watching it.  However nothing could ever be more dreadful to watch than last weeks Bills-Browns game right?

Green Bay (-13.5) over Detroit

I don’t know why I keep taking these double digit spreads against Detroit as they continue to cover.  I supposed it’s because I’m just so used to them being so atrocious that I don’t think of them as team that can compete at this level.  But I still feel weird picking the Lions to cover games.  Not just there quite yet.  However it would be kind of nice if they did as I am taking on Aaron Rodgers this week in fantasy and it they cover a two touchdown spread that would probably mean he had a good game.  So…..

Philadelphia (-14) over Oakland

Whereas some teams make me feel uneasy with two touchdown spreads, other teams make me feel as confident as Bob from Enzyte.  The Raiders, ladies and gentlemen, are one of those teams.  Pathetic and dysfunctional in every way shape and form.  It will be real sad for all their crazy fans to get all dressed up for a game that will likely be 31-0 eight minutes into the first quarter.  The Eagles offense scores early and often against good opponents, god only knows what can happen when they take on the silver and black.

Arizona (+3) over Seattle

Seattle’s coming off a huge win and they are playing like they have something to prove.  What better situation to prove something than being at home against the defending NFC Champs?  Well screw them.  They are stupid.  I don’t like the Seahawks for reasons I couldn’t possibly explain.  Really.  I have no reason.  I generally like Matt Hasselbeck, and even the city of Seattle looks okay to an outsider.  But something about the Seahawks logo and unis drives me f’n nuts.  Am I alone on this one?

New York Jets (-9.5) over Buffalo

I’m taking anyone and everyone to cover against Buffalo.  For obvious reasons.

New England (-9.5) over Tennessee

New England will have 5 or 6 “F You!” TD’s as I’m sure coach Bill isn’t too excited about last week’s result.  It also helps that they are playing a Tennessee team that looks more pathetic than the original light saber battle between Obi Wan and Darth Vader.  The Titans are playing atrocious, and the Patriots have some frustration they’d like to get out.  Things could get ugly in Foxborough this weekend.

Chicago (+3) over Atlanta

Why, if I hate them so much, do I continue to pick the Bears to cover week in and week out.  Because they have a lot of talented, they’re getting points, and are playing to catch up to the undefeated Vikings who are likely to win this week as they battle each other for NFC North supremacy.  The Falcons have looked great all year with only one loss coming at the hands of the Patriots in New England.

Denver (+3) over San Diego

5-0 still yields no respect for the Broncos as they travel to San Diego Monday night as the underdog.  Well, I’ve picked them to cover for four weeks in a row now, and they have done so every time.  I’m going to let this party roll on until the party wanna stop.

Go Broncos

Go Big Dogs

Enjoy the footyball!

I like Texas over Oklahoma 45-38

Chad Ochocino Listed as Doubtful with Dancing Fever

Matt Driffill

Bengals wide receiver, Chad Ochocino, was downgraded again today on the teams injury report.  Over the last three days, Ochocino has went from probable, to questionable, and is not doubtful for this week’s game against the Texans.

“It’s not getting any better,” Bengals coach Marvin Lewis said.  “It’s getting worse actually.  He wants to just dance so bad he can’t really focus on anything else.  We’re monitoring the situation closely and we’ll make our final assessment this weekend.”

It was reported that Ochocino had come down with a reasonable, but painful case of Dancing Fever.  Some point to the fever as a direct result of having a pre-planned touchdown celebration for last week’s game against the Ravens, but then not finding the end-zone.

“I ain’t sayin’ what it was gonna be,” Ochocinco said.  “But, I’ll give ya hint.  Ricky Bobby.  You like that?  Don’t just stand there, bust a move!”

While team trainers suggest Ochocino will be fine, others are less hopeful for the outspoken receiver.  Some point out that this isn’t the first time he is suffering from Dancing Fever and it may not just be an individual case, but a braid defect that permanently gives him the fever with varying degrees of “needs-to-shake-it.”

“I’m f*ckin’ scared,” Ochocinco said.  “Michael Jackson died from this shit.”